Phantom

I am sad to say that Dh and I have decided to get a divorce. I am not quite sure that I am completely comprehending it all just yet... but I have accepted what I do understand.

Dh no longer loves me. This is something that I thought that I would just never "get"... but somehow, someway, it clicked for me. I had always attributed his lack of love to the PTSD, however, I'm not sure that this was the case now.

I thought that no matter what I would keep loving Dh, and I do love him, but somewhere along this crooked line the romantic love stopped and a more platonic love began. I went through the stages of grief and loss... denial, sadness, anger, frustration...etc. and came to a place of acceptance. I can accept that Dh no longer loves me, and I can accept that I am no longer romantically in love with Dh. However, what is more difficult to accept is the loss of a very good marriage. When I married Dh, I never EVER thought that we would end up divorced. Our rock solid marriage stood the test of numerous trainings, deployments, and separations. But then something happened. I know that in many ways it was the PTSD, but there was something more... which I feel is the very worst part of it all. I honestly don't even know what it was that destroyed our wonderful marriage. It was as if some unknown silent attacker...a phantom... swooped in, did massive damage, and took off... without even being noticed. This could be where the true challenge lies in my future.

I know that many of you might be going through situations where your partner has been diagnosed with PTSD. Please do not let this result discourage you. I started this blog partly to help support those going through similar situations. However, as I mentioned above... the ultimate demise of my marriage was something more, something I'm not yet sure of, but something more none the less.

I have lots of stuff going on right now... I'm starting a new (but temporary) position which I'm very excited about... and of course all of the paperwork and such that comes along with a divorce...etc. But, I plan to keep my blog running, even if there is a change of subject matter!

You will all be in my thoughts and prayers : )

What's up?!

I haven't been posting as much as usual... and I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because my days have been quite boring lately, and therefore, I lack inspiration... but I think that it actually has more to do with my recent disconnect with Dh. It has often been my strong feelings surrounding this situation that have inspired many of my posts, and now that I am without them, I am feeling at a loss of words.

In the research I've done concerning PTSD, many articles stated that the spouse of the person suffering from PTSD will sometimes take on some of the symptoms her/himself. Although I am completely hypothesizing, or possibly even "psychologizing" myself, I wonder if I am starting to have the same "emotional numbness" symptoms that he is having? Or maybe I am just in a new stage of grieving the potential loss of my marriage?

Either way, I wonder, what the heck is up with me?!

Mad Max

Despite all of my angry/frustrated/hopeless posts I've been up to recently, I actually have a pretty funny story to share... a little scary, but funny just the same : )

I have mentioned before that I live with my family. I am the oldest of four siblings... and all of us our in our twenties besides the youngest... and we also all still live at home with our parents... (I actually returned home during Dh's deployment, and then stayed through grad school... just had to add that for my own dignity!) Anyway... with all of the young people around, I often feel as if I am living in some sort of strange frat house! So, what happened this past weekend was not a total surprise...

I spent this past Saturday evening at home. As my brother got ready to go out with his girlfriend... I could tell that he was feeling bad for me. I can always tell when he invites me to come out with them! But, in all actuality, I spend many nights in and it's really not a big deal. I'm a little older than he is, and it's fine for me, but I guess he must see it as depressing...

So, I go on to spend the evening watching a funny movie with my youngest brother and his friend... I was perfectly content. Mid-movie, I get a phone call from my other brother's friend, whom I will call "Max." Now, I haven't talked to Max in years. He is one of those people that you know your whole life but never get to know very well. But, none the less, Max has had one too many beers and is insisting that I come to the bar for a drink with he and my brother. I tell him no, that's ok, I am watching a movie at home...etc. I hang up, and again, Max calls... but this time, I don't answer the phone. I don't even know how he got my number?! The movie ends, and I go to sleep.

ZZZzzzzzZZZzzzzzz

"BOOOOOOMMMMM" "Heyyyyy! What's up!!!!"

I awake from a solid sleep to the sound of my locked door being busted in! I am quickly grabbing for the Ka-Bar I keep under my bed while I simultaneously try to take it all in... This person is waving a cell phone in my face as a light and talking to me... this isn't a stranger or someone trying to rob me... it's Max! Before I know it, Max is trying to get in the bed with me! Of course I told him hell no, and that he needed to go sleep in my brother's room... but he just wasn't listening! Although he wasn't trying to touch me in any way, I still didn't want him in my bed! And to make matters worse, I was not fully clothed, as I was in my room sleeping in my bed behind my locked door! So, here I am, abruptly awakened by Max, whom I really don't know that well... trying to keep myself covered up with the blanket as I am pushing him out of my bed! And to top it off, Max says, "I can't believe you're doing this to me!" WHAT?! He can't believe what I'M doing to HIM! I still can't believe what his ass had the nerve to do to ME! He tells me that he is leaving for my brother's room, and says, "I'll be up there if you want to come up!" HA! That would be the day!

I awake the next morning wondering if that all really happened, because who would be crazy enough to do that?! The incident was then substantiated when I found a text message saying, "What are you doing?" from Max at 3:30am! What did he think I was doing?! Fixing my door and installing deadbolts of course!

PS.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I found out that my brother had stayed at a friend's house that evening... so Max just showed up at our home randomly. AWESOME.

Copy Cat

Things have really come to a stalemate between Dh and I. As I posted about not too long ago, he really doesn't seem to know what he wants... and the longer things go on, I find myself feeling the same way.

As a matter of fact... I find that Dh and I are starting to have a lot in common in this circus of a life. He seems to be emotionally detached from the situation, and as of lately, so am I. Perhaps things just became too painful to bear, but one day recently, I just stopped being sad.

He is avoiding me because it's easier than acknowledging that I'm here. I've started to do the same with him... it's easier not to see him, as then I am not reminded of what our relationship has become.

I'm not saying that these newly developed behaviors are healthy... I know that they aren't... I actually wish that I was not "copying" him when it comes to these feelings, or the lack there of... I also want to be clear that none of this is out of spite. It just seems that stages of grief are catching up with me...

Shit... I had tried sooooo hard for that not to happen.

The Tides are Changing

I've been wanting to write this post for about a week... but each time I bring myself to do it, I just can't. When I have those kinds of feelings... I know that it's time to turn to myself to see what the heck is going on with me.

So here's what's going on. I've been feeling really weird lately... almost detached from this whole situation with Dh. When I think of the situation... I find that my feelings have changed. I am no longer devastated and sad... these feelings have been replaced by frustration and anger. I don't wait around all day for him to call, and then cry if he doesn't do so. Actually, I haven't even had a strong desire to see Dh. It is easier for me not to see him because when I do, it's a constant reminder that he has rejected me.

I can feel my attitude about this whole thing changing... and it's scary. I am feeling guilty for not being sad anymore. I also feel guilty for even slightly recognizing that I could be OK if our marriage ends up in divorce.

I was afraid to write this post because I didn't want anyone to judge me, or think that I was giving up. But, perhaps writing this was a concrete acknowledgment to myself that I have started to give up in some ways. I don't want to, but I just can't live this way forever.

"I don't know"

"I don't know... I don't know... I don't know," said Dh.

The man just doesn't know.

These words make me want to roar as if I am some mythical creature! I am getting soooo frustrated!

Dh came over on Tuesday, and we hung out for a while watching TV. I also attempted "the talk." ... however, I know from past experience that Dh isn't much of a talker when it comes to this subject. In light of this, I decided to write my thoughts into a letter. Upon giving Dh the letter, all he could say was, "I don't know." To be honest... I'm not quite sure what I wanted him to say... but I know that it wasn't those three words.

I guess I wrote this letter just to be acknowledged by him... but I wasn't.Up until this point, I have accommodated all of his needs... even the difficult ones.. like moving out. However, my needs continue to go unrecognized. I have recently come to a point where I realize that I can support him, but at the same time, I must take care of myself as well. There is no reason that he can't be at least respectful of me and my needs. For example, there is no reason that he can't say, "I know this is tough for you right now, but just hold on a little longer with me..." Instead of making such a statement... or respecting my needs, he just ignores that I have any. Hence, my frustration. I do think that he was a little taken back that I was up front about what I needed for once...

So, after reading the letter and saying those "magic" words... Dh left to go home. He told me he would talk to me about things the next day... however, he didn't call. Yesterday came, and he called. We decided to talk again... and we are now at a point where he is somewhat agreeable to couples counseling.

Ughh... this is a long and hard road... I must offically be a Rough Rider by now. If only I had a bike!

In the Name of Love

I received a very nice email from a reader recently. She gave me a nice compliment on my blog, and also called me a "brave and special" person. While I most certainly appreciated her thoughts, I included in my email back to her that "almost anyone would do the same for love."

Although I am new to blogging and I don't have thousands of readers... I know that many of the readers that I do have are going through a similar situation as I am... and it is likely that many of you read my blog because it helps you to feel like your not alone in the roller coaster of emotions that PTSD provokes in families.

I have said repeatedly that I would never wish this on anyone, but when I hear your stories, it does help to know that I am in good company. And when I say good company... I mean the best company. You are all so brave and special... and you exhibit these valiant characteristics in the name of love.

Thank you for being there : )

I love butterflies, but not these kind

Dh is coming over tonight... I'm feeling sick over the talk that I'm supposed to have with him. It's not that he is a hard person to talk to, it's just the topic of the said conversation that is creating butterflies in my stomach.

I feel like it could result in something that I don't want to hear.

Just Because

What an eventful weekend. I ended up going away for a couple of days with my family... and I really used the time to clear my head.

This past Thursday, I paid a visit to "Icebox" AKA my counselor... (hehe, maybe I shouldn't call her this anymore, as she does seem to be getting a little better... "Refrigerator" instead?) During this past visit, she talked about how perhaps Dh's lack of love for me is something aside from the PTSD. That was hard to hear... and it sunk into my head like an anchor. But, the truth is that this is a thought that I've been marinating on for quite some time.

I sometimes wonder if it's true. Could Dh not love me just because? Because of no particular reason? I have been thinking about this all weekend more intensely, and I find that the more I think about things from that perspective, the more angry I become at Dh. I don't want to blame him for something that is not his fault... but at the same time, if this is more than PTSD, as the therapist suggests, than it brings about a whole different realm of emotions. It's sort of a whole new level of rejection.

I suppose what I am struggling with the most concerning this topic is how to tell the difference.... is his lack of love due to the PTSD, or is it just because? The counselor suggests talking with Dh about it... but honestly, I don't think that he even knows... But, never the less, talking with Dh about this issue is my "homework" from the counselor. I'm sooo nervous... However, I think that it's something that I must do, as it really informs my feelings on the situation.

Uggh... I think that I have too much time for thinking.

Next Time, He'll Eat Morningstar

Dh spent the day eating chicken yesterday. Chicken wings for lunch... a chicken sandwich for dinner... He must have really been in the chicken mood...

Anyway, now he has food poisoning, and he isn't quite clear which chicken he got it from... but then again, I guess it doesn't matter when his favorite room of the house is now the bathroom!

I didn't actually see Dh today because of his illness, but I spoke to him over the phone and talked to his mom. His mom told me how she went out and bought him some Gatorade to try and rehydrate him.

I miss being the one who takes care of him.

I would have bought ginger ale : )

Unknown Folders

Although I trust Dh that he was on his best behavior throughout his vacation, I still wonder what took place. Dh explains things factually with little detail... IE. "We drove to the store. We went to the beach. We went out." It drives me nuts! Therefore, the events of those weeks will probably be just more non-memories (for me) that will go into the "unknown" folder in my brain.

There are many non-memories concerning Dh that are housed in this particular folder, starting when Dh left for boot camp many years back. The events of both his first and second deployment are also located in this folder. As a military spouse, I understand that I will never know all the details of those events... and I have come to terms with that. But, when it comes to things like a vacation without me, I can't help but want to know every detail!

I sometimes wonder if Dh has his own "unknown" folder on me? If you're thinking logically, you would think that he does. But for some reason, I have this feeling that he doesn't... I think that it has a lot to do with my life being very predictable. He knows exactly where I will be sleeping, who I will be spending my time with, and what I'm doing on a day to day basis. I think that he doesn't wonder because he thinks that he already knows... but the truth is, there is so much that happens regularly that he misses out on because he isn't/wasn't here... Or, perhaps it is now, and has been in the past, easier for him to cope if he doesn't think about all of those little things that he is missing...

I just don't know. And that's exactly my issue...

Reality Bites... but not so hard tonight

So, I just got home from the airport. There has been some definite progress, but I can't help but feel disappointment that I didn't get a miracle. Although I didn't really think that it would happen, I had let myself imagine that he would come home and give me lots of hugs and kisses, and things just might be normal again. But of course... reality strikes again.

Aaacckkk... it pains me so.

Although there were no fairy tales, Dh came through the gate and gave me a big hug and a quick kiss... like the kind that you give your mom. But, at least it was a kiss... on the lips! This was a first...

Despite the semi-warm welcome, Dh had actually had a very bad flight. He was pretty stressed. I let him vent about the rude flight attendant who yelled, "Can't you read?!" when he accidentally placed his bag in the wrong compartment... and then continued to harass him. I didn't even tell him to calm down once (This is a problem of mine, I previously tried to calm him all the time instead of just letting him be angry)!

We went on to talk about our trips on the hour ride home... He mentioned a couple of times about needing to make an appointment with his therapist through The Vet Center (this is the one that will hopefully counsel both of us in the near future)... it was almost like he was letting me know that he is still planning on making an effort.

And best of all... After talking about milspouse friend's lovely apartment, I mentioned how nice it would be to have our own space, and how if I get this job, then perhaps we could get an apartment/small house. He agreed, saying that it would be "nice to have a space for stuff."

Woooohooo! I am praying that I get this job!

Refrigerator Salad

When I visited my milspouse friend, I learned that she and her husband keep a refrigerator salad... This is a salad bowl that they continuously replenish, which in turn, allows a person to have a salad at any given time. Because the salad is already made, it makes it simple to eat salad instead of other, less healthy, options.

So, in effort to eat a little healthier, I have implemented the refrigerator salad at my house. Now, let's see how long it takes for me to eat it... or for it to rot... hehe...

Ahhhhh...

I have been the epitome of laziness today, but I just can't help it. It's a Sunday afternoon and it's been raining cats and dogs for hours... One would think that this gloom would make a person depressed... but it actually feels good to lay around after a busy week.

The interview I had on Monday went pretty good... I think... I hope! I have some stiff competition, but I think my chances are pretty good. I won't find out for another couple of weeks. It would be so nice to get this position... not only is it my dream job, but it would bring enough financial stability for Dh and I to buy a small house or at least get an apartment if that opportunity arises.

I am lucky enough to have had great communication with my mother-in-law through all of this. My MIL was recently telling me about a conversation that she had with Dh the other day. They were talking about our future children. Dh even talked about my brother being an Uncle...etc. Just that little piece of news made me feel so good inside... And things have been really pretty good throughout Dh's vacation... We have been calling each other throughout, and he has even said that he is ready to get home. I don't think he meant home with me, but back from his vacation.... that's OK, it's still a good thing. He also asked if I wanted to go out to dinner when he gets back : ) Maybe the vacation has done the man some good!

I can't wait to pick him up from the airport tomorrow night!

It's so good to see you, Memory Foam Mattress

Wow, my mini-vacation really flew by! I had an awesome time, but I am so glad to be home... Since we bought our tempur-pedic mattress I find it hard to be away for too long... just a few days has me longing for the memory foam (I guess this is how I know I'm getting older?) You just can't mold yourself into a regular old mattress.. hehe... It also makes me think I'm spoiled, as our service members don't have the luxury of coming back after a couple of days to mold themselves into their foam bed.

It makes me wonder how Dh can go without sleeping on it for as long as he has since he has been at his mom's house. I mean, ...forget me... the bed itself is so good that I often wonder if the mattress will be enough to bring Dh back home!

OK, your thinking how much more is she going to talk about this bed... but, why stop here?

My trip reminded me of my mattress not just because I missed it, but also because going back to an old milspouse friend is a lot like lying on my memory foam bed, and here's why:

-It's supports you no matter what
-It immediately remembers just who you are
-There is nothing that comes between the two of you
-At the end of the day, you can always count on it
-It comforts you
-You miss it when your apart
-It will never forget you
-It has cell mass (this has nothing to do with being a friend, but true just the same)

If only the mattress could talk... it would make a fine substitute for my best milspouse friend. I miss her already!

Breaking Out the Suitcase

Although my student loan payments point to no... I am going on a vacation! Dh is on vacation, so why shouldn't I take one too? After I finish my interview this afternoon, I am off to visit my best military friend until Friday. I think that she is just what I need right now... it feels good to be in the presence of someone who just gets it. It will also be fun to catch up, see her new place, and do some sight-seeing. Posting could be sparse this week, but back to normal by Saturday or so : )

Kind Words

Although the incident described in Busted was very stressful and anxiety-provoking... there were some very positive things that came out of that circus of an evening.

When I talked to Dh about my "find," he denied that they were his... and he was telling the truth. He also made such caring statements as, "I'm actually kind of angry about this... I feel bad that you even had to go through that ... thinking they were mine." He also said that had he found something like that in my car that he would have been so upset that he wouldn't be able to speak! At the beginning of all this when he wanted a divorce right away, he had indicated that the thought of me having a relationship with someone else did not bother him. And the best of all, I told him that I loved him and he said, "I love you too." AWESOME! I can't get too excited because he didn't say it back again when I talked to him today... but I think we are making progress and I am excited about that!

This is hard for me to admit... but... perhaps the vacation has been good for him?

Nervous Excitement

I am all nerves today because I have a job interview tomorrow. It is a dream of a position for me... I try to remind myself that all I can do is my best, and even if I don't get it, I will still have those things that are most important to me in this world. I hate waiting for things that I have anxiety about...

The Opposite of Perfume

Weather-wise... it's a beautiful night. Starry sky, not to hot... not to cold... I decided that I deserved a glass of wine due to the antics I endured earlier this evening. So, I sat outside next to the firepit under the stars... and just relaxed. It felt soooo good to be alone and lost in thought as I looked up at the stars.

But... I was not alone for long! I spotted a skunk.... right next to me! He was walking around me as if he was my dog or something... and I didn't even hear him! Perhaps he didn't see me either? I jumped up and walked to the side, and he walked in the opposite direction... no spraying... it was a peaceful parting... Thank God! Did I mention that I have a job interview on Monday? That would have made quite the first impression!

Busted!

WOW! It's been one hell of a night! And it started like this...

Despite the fact that Dh is staying at his mom's right now... I have his vehicle at my house while he is away on his trip. Our new insurance cards came in... so I thought that I would put them in each of the cars. When I opened Dh's glove compartment... a CVS bag fell on my hand. I looked inside... and it was as if I had stared into the face of the devil himself...it was a wife's worst nightmare... CONDOMS! Now... I lost it, really.. I completely lost my shit. We don't even use those because we really have no need...we are in a monogamous relationship and are both healthy people. Plus... PTSD, no affection right now... hence...no sex in the champagne room...or in any other room for that matter.

I hashed it out with my sister, and determined that I had to call Dh about it... NOW. So, I called... and Dh was shocked! He completely denied up and down that they were his. I know that you will all roll your eyes when you read the following statement... but I am really good at knowing when people are lying to me... especially Dh. After listening to him... I thought that he was telling the truth. But how would those get there? Who did they belong to? If Dh was planning on using those, wouldn't he have brought them on his trip? Even though it didn't seem as if he was lying, I couldn't help but have doubts, given the situation in it's entirety. And let me tell you, I will be there for my husband through anything... but not an affair.

At this point, I called my best friend. And I have to say, she was really there for me tonight. She was very supportive... discussing the facts with me in a caring way. We sat in a restaurant for about four hours going over every single possibility...

As we were getting ready to leave, I received a phone call from Dh. After some investigating on his end, it turns out that they belonged to my 17 year old brother! He had hidden them there since Dh's car has been at the house (we stay with my family). Talk about a sigh of relief! I mean, although I am not thrilled about my brother's "activity," I am glad that he is being safe... AND that they do not belong to my husband in any way!

And how could my little brother be stupid enough to put those in my husband's car, aren't Trojans supposed to make one "evolve?" :) I definitely need a glass of wine tonight...

Independence Day

Ahhh... the birth of our amazing country. Growing up, I always loved the Fourth because it meant picnics, s'mores and fireworks. Of course, I still love these things, but I have developed a whole new set of reasons for loving the Fourth since becoming an adult... and especially since becoming a military spouse.

Military folks tend to be especially patriotic... and for obvious reasons. I think that it's because we don't just know what it took to gain independence... we feel what it took. I get choked up every time I hear the Star-Spangled Banner. I am the only adult in the school who will rise for the Pledge of Allegiance each morning, even if I'm the only one in my office. I enjoy this time of year because I feel like I am joined by the rest of the country in my patriotism... I truly wish that I would see flags flying and people celebrating our country all year round.

I even get emotional as I watch the fireworks on the Fourth. I hear loud booms followed by a spray of lovely colors in the night sky... and then I think about our military overseas... who may hear similar booms that provoke entirely different emotions. There are so many service members that would love to be home celebrating with their own families... but instead, they fight for families in another land... so that they too may celebrate their own independence.

Thank God for them... and Happy Birthday America!

Current Events

Dh is currently on his trip to Florida with his friend A-holio. That's not his birth name, but it's the name I've given him... suits him well, I think, ha. Anyway, I've talked with Dh a couple of times... the communication is flowing pretty well. I just hope that we can keep it going for the next week and a half.

In other news, CNN's most popular story this hour was "TMZ allowed to repost 'Mini-Me' sex tape." The most popular story right now... WTF?! Don't people follow anything important?!

The North Pole.... Errr, I mean the counselor's office

I like warm people. People who are friendly and can make a person feel comfortable.... My kind of crowd... : )

I made my second visit to the counselor today... and I have to say, she's an iceberg! OK, maybe that's exaggerating, but definitely an icicle! She is just not outwardly friendly, at all! Last time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt... I thought, perhaps she is just having a bad day... But, I show up today, and again, a polar bear. There was really no effort made to get to know me, and she just dove right into things. Of course, I was there to talk about my situation, but I could have used a little superficial B.S. talk for a couple of minutes at least... how's the weather?... maybe a smile... or God forbid, a laugh? I was nervous! And she wasn't helping!

Also, from what I gather, it does not seem that my civilian counselor has much experience with the military, deployments, or combat-related PTSD... Some of the things that have come out of her mouth just blow my mind... and then I become more frustrated than anything!

For example:

The counselor gave me this whole scenario surrounding a husband getting cancer. She said that in this case, the wife might take on extra duties, pick up slack in the marriage, and provide lots of support to the husband in his time of need. In return, the husband will love his wife more and be grateful for what she's done for him. I was sure she was using this as a stepping stone to then say how the nature of PTSD makes the latter dynamic different... but she didn't! She was trying to show similarity in the two situations! She said that Dh should be loving me more now after all that I've done for him! Maybe in a PTSD fairy tale! Anyone who has even done a google search of PTSD can see that a major symptom is emotional numbing. Of course Dh isn't going to show me more love and be grateful to me at this point! Down the road, when he reflects back on it all, that could be a possibility... but not now! When I mention that the very nature of PTSD is different from cancer in that it affects emotions and relationships differently... the counselor provides some roundabout explanation to direct things in a route that suggests that yes, in fact, she is right.

Also, the counselor went on to make a generalization about military folk, saying that most guys come back and are just so happy to love and spend time with their families that it surpasses the effects of the war. And yes... this is true, for some... But not for all! I mean,.. HELLO, reintegration issues!

All together, the counselor just seemed to emphasize in a cordial way that Dh is a wierdo for not returning from war being loving and grateful for his wife. And, that he is even more of a weirdo because he won't love me extra and be more grateful for me now that I have supported him through his weirdness.

Acckkkk. I know beggars can't be choosers when it comes to free counseling (thanks to Military One Source, and it's not their fault- this counselor is the sole provider in my area), so I'll shut up now. Maybe a portable heater would do the trick? Or perhaps maybe one of those big shiny solar panels? Or, maybe I will just put her in a snowsuit : ) Sarah from Trying to Grok could knit her a hat and mittens! ha, the thought makes me laugh!

Aloha

It's my sister's 21st birthday tomorrow and we are having a Hawaiian-themed party for her. So far, we are rocking this Oriental Trading style with some plastic leis and grass skirts : ) I am also heading out to the shopette, which is like a commissary and exchange combined but on a MUCH smaller scale... (which should really just be called a liquor store because this is primarily what the inventory consists of) to get the necessary items for the frozen drinks. Although authenticity seems to have went by the wayside at this point, I was just wondering if anyone had any fun ideas for this type of party?

This sure isn't Fox News!

Control is an important factor in the world of PTSD. In much of the research I've done, it is apparent that the person suffering from PTSD often feels out of control. This makes sense to me... as I can only imagine how out of control I would feel if I was experiencing intrusive thoughts, emotional numbing, memory loss, a need to be on guard...etc. In turn, a positive and freeing approach to dealing with someone with PTSD is to give them as much control over their own life as possible. I have found it very helpful to communicate with Dh in such a way that he has options and control in the situation. In fact, things really seemed to turn around for us when I began intentionally communicating with him in this way.

While this has been very helpful for Dh, it can often be difficult for me. I feel as of this is our marriage, and I too need to have at least some control... and right now, I feel as if I have none. Everything... our future together... is lying in Dh's hands... which are now swimming through the ocean with some ass of a friend in Florida.

In the research, it stresses that the spouse should redirect control to the self. I should also reduce my dependency on Dh. For example, I take control of my own counseling treatment plan, and let Dh handle his own. I should not rely on Dh to make me happy... I should make myself happy. Although it makes sense for Dh's PTSD treatment, how realistic is this for a marriage? Dh and I chose to live our lives together, and I feel that when two people do that, they do become dependent on one another to an extent. Sure, people could have separate finances, jobs, friends...etc. But when you are married to someone, how are you not emotionally dependent on them in any way?

It is really tough to completely let go of all control of the situation when Dh is procrastinating about making a counseling appointment, and that appointment lends to my future too. I mean... how much can I really let go? How selfless do I need to be? Apparently, very selfless... and believe me, I am willing to be selfless to save our marriage because it's worth that.

It's just not "fair and balanced."

I'm giving myself a BWI (Blogging While Intoxicated)

WOW! So this is what happens when you blog after a couple glasses of wine! I suppose that I will let it stand... There is really no sense in taking it back... Plus, it felt good to get it out : ) I promise that I won't make it a habit!

This is kind of self-indulgent.... No... nope... it is definitely self-indulgent!

I often wonder if Dh's doctor really understands him, or our relationship, in a complete way. I suppose I should just be trusting of the doctor, but I can't be for some reason. Perhaps it is because I am in the mental health field, and I know how some professionals can stereotype. I worry that they might mistake our relationship for something less than it is... something less worthy of being saved. I want the doctor to view our marriage as if it is as strong and rock solid as her own... because honestly it is/was! The only thing that the doctor has to go by is what Dh tells her, and right now, that might not be much.

As I thought about how I wanted the doctor to know... I thought about how I wanted you to know too. Things have so often focused on our relationship now that Dh has PTSD, that you may have little idea of what our relationship was like before, and actually why I am struggling so to keep this marriage afloat.

So here goes... sort of an auto-biography of our relationship if you will...

As with many loves, ours began through someone else... Dh was a mutual friend of mine and my then boyfriend all through high school. When that relationship came to an end during my senior year, I started spending more and more time with Dh. Our friendship had the air of love early on, and we soon started "going out,"... literally... we were so fun and outgoing! I really loved how Dh was up for anything. It was so cool to be with someone who is just as spontaneous, fun, and weird as I am! We did all kinds of fun and crazy things... from holding "sock races" down a local creek to staying up all night to watch meteor showers from the back of Dh's truck. I know...many relationships start out very fun and wild... and the sparks eventually wear off. But they didn't... not for Dh and I. This was how we were... always.. whether it was 5 months or 5 years into our relationship. Dh was the most genuine, loving, wonderful, honest, kind and caring individual I had ever met.

After graduating high school, both Dh and I began college. After two years and 9/11, Dh began talking about joining the Marine Corps. Dh felt very confidently about his decision, and I was supportive... After all, both my grandfathers and most of my uncles had served in the military... I was proud of them and I would be proud of Dh.

I got my first real taste of military life before Dh even left for boot camp! He would be scheduled to leave on one date, and then get pushed back at last minute. This happened probably six times. One time, he actually left... and after I hadn't heard from him as I expected when he got to the hotel, I called his mom's... and Dh answered the phone! They sent him back because someone else needed to go in his spot! But, we did eventually say goodbye, and he went away to boot camp.

While he was away, I went to Spain to study abroad for a month. The first time I got to hear his voice again was when he called my host family's cell phone. There I was, in a mini-van full of Spaniards, trying to speak to him for the first time in months. They spoke no English, but they knew that it was my boyfriend and they kept smiling at me every time I said the word "love," haha... lots of smiles!

I will never forget when Dh and I saw each other for the first time after I arrived home from Spain. It was our first "homecoming," and as I reflect on it now, I realize that he was waiting for me that time ... funny! I asked Dh to wear his cammies... and I just melted when I saw him. The cammies remain my fav of all the uniforms, although the Marine dress blues provide some stiff competition.

We had a long distance relationship for a little over a year after Dh joined the Marines... but after five years of dating and my being close to finishing my undergrad... we were ready to get married. Dh and I actually decided together that we would plan a wedding before he deployed the first time in 2003. That deployment was tough. I was finishing up my last semester doing an internship at a hospital. I remember seeing everyone gathered around the TV as "Shock and Awe" titled the bottom of the screen. It scared me to see huge groups gathered around the TVs like that.. but I got through my days and I was lucky enough to get phone calls in the middle of the night : )

Throughout that deployment, I planned our wedding. There were a few times that I wondered if Dh would be back in time! He made it, and it was awesome. I felt the most calm and serene feeling as I approached the church to marry Dh... I had no fear, no cold feet, no nerves...I felt nothing but joy. I just knew I was doing the right thing. Although our wedding was such a blur as we talked to so many friends and relatives, I remember Dh perfectly. It is almost like my memory consists of all these little video clips of that day, and they are all of Dh and I. The honeymoon was a dream, and so was getting settled into our first place. This was probably the best month of my life.

As Dh and I settled into our new life together, things were exciting and happy. I did notice that Dh was less sensitive and more easily angered, but I attributed this to growing up and becoming a man in the military. Our relationship was not drastically affected, and we loved being married. We loved to play... although it may sound childish, we loved to pick on each other, play wrestle...etc. We had lots of fun just being together. We saw all of the sites that there was to see in our new location, and spent time with our new friends. We got used to the military life, and we liked it : )

A while went by, and Dh was deployed again. It was agonizing to say goodbye to him, but I held it together, as I always do... until I got back to our apartment anyway! This deployment, I went back home to stay with my family while I went to grad school. This time, Dh and I had only a few phone calls, but lots of email. I was on my email constantly, hoping to get a message from Dh... and he sent them every chance he could. Classes made the deployment go fast (as far as deployments go anyway), and before I knew it... it was time for the homecoming, which again, was amazing... (As I type this I think, "how could a homecoming not be amazing?" but I'm quickly reminded of our most recent one as described in Nutshell).

And still, things were ok. Dh and I had to do the long distance thing again while I finished grad school... no biggie. He soon finished his enlistment with the Marine Corps, moved home, and then reenlisted with the Air National Guard. It was so awesome to have him home. We got to do all of those things that we love to do in our hometown all summer long... camping, festivals, picnics, holidays with family... I finally had my husband back... for good... almost. He would attend a three month training in the Spring... but that was nothing compared to the kind of separations we had been through... and our relationship was strong, this training would be nothing for us (so I thought).

Christmas came... I remember Dh wearing this Santa hat. The way that he wore it was just too funny, he looked like a Marine wearing a Santa hat...the way that it sat upon his head like a cover of some sort! We laughed and cooked Christmas Eve dinner together. Dh and I love to cook together... it's a hobby that we have always shared. I love the memory of that night, we were SO happy. Christmas or not, we have always been the kind of people that are just happy to be in one another's company.

Soon after, Dh left for training this past January. I cried as he left...again. I welcomed my beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely note from Dh for Valentine's Day... again. It was my third year in a row without a physical Valentine, but I was fine with that. I never get too carried away over Valentine's day. But, I do still carry the note that Dh sent with the flowers in my purse... it reminds me that he loves me even if he can't feel it now because of the emotional numbness.

And that brings us to Nutshell. I'm not sure why I felt the need to spend a couple of hours writing this post... I think that it just felt good to remember happy times... or perhaps I just had one too many glasses of wine! I did want you all to know about the kind of relationship that Dh and I had, and why it's worth fighting for... but I'm not so sure that this post even served that purpose... as the best parts of our relationship don't translate into words. Maybe I just needed to remind myself of why I'm fighting so hard... because it just gets so darn hard sometimes. And if that's the case, then this post was just what I needed!

Also, I hope Dh's doctor is reading this blog! : )

5¢ Confession: Happy People

At the mall... going for a walk... on TV... mini-golfing (as I drive by)... happy people are everywhere! And yes, I am happy for them... but I'm simultaneously jealous! I would love to go for a romantic stroll with Dh (lots of kisses included)! But, at this point in our lives, it's just not going to happen... It's been almost 7 months since I've got to do that (because of Dh's training piggybacked by the PTSD). Although we've gone this long before without a physical relationship due to deployments and such... we were still "happy"... we still had a romantic relationship. I miss all of that.

Perhaps I am just being hypersensitive, but it seems that there is love in the air everywhere I go! ...Yet I remain in this anti-love bubble! I can't get through Wal*Mart without driving my cart around couples holding hands, hugging... it is as if it's some cruel gauntlet!

If your happy... good for you... I can't wait to become part of your club again. Maybe I could at least have a guest pass for now? ; )

Worrying Ahead of Time

Dh's impending trip has really got me in a funk. I look back on the previous post, and I was full of optimism. Today, I'm just worrying. I'm really worried that Dh will lose all the progress that he has made thus far. There have been times lately that I see little pieces of "the real Dh" come out, and I love that... I love it for him and I love it for the both of us. It has taken so much to come this far, and it would be such a shame to lose it all... and considering the condition that Dh is in right now, the two week trip provides plenty of time to facilitate that loss.

As I really think about all of this, I realize that it's not just Dh that I'm worried about... it's me... and really, us. Just as I felt excitement about our future in the previous post, I feel worried about it today. I mean, it's not just Dh succumbing to his PTSD, it's the life we had planned together. The camping trips, being silly with one another, the babies we planned to have... Maybe I'm thinking irrationally, or giving this trip too much weight, ... but these are my honest feelings and concerns.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one that worries about things ahead of time...

The Flip Side of the Coin

Since the beginning of April, I have been a researching machine... delving into every PTSD article I can get my hands on. Perhaps it gives some method to the madness...

As I perused an article recently, I had a thought that had yet to cross my mind thus far... What if Dh and I have a better relationship for having gone through this? This seemingly basic thought had really yet to enter my mind. I was so focused on what a horrible thing this is for both of us, that I hadn't really thought about the flip side of the coin... the shiny and pretty side!

Although Dh and I do have a very strong relationship that provides the foundation that is holding us together at this point, there are things that could have been better in our marriage. I tried to control too much, while Dh really did not provide me with as much love and support as I needed. Military spouses are tough cookies, and sometimes I think that we get so used to our extra burdens that we don't notice, or let it slip by, when things are a little off... And as for Dh, I am now learning that it was a struggle for him just to keep himself together, let alone our marriage.

The great thing that I am coming to realize is that Dh and I have this awesome opportunity to fill in our gaps... We are also finding out how the gaps got there in the first place, and what we can do to prevent them from happening again.

It feels so good to look forward to the future of our marriage again.

Wayne & Garth, Bert & Ernie, Laverne & Shirley... BF & I

I love my best friend. She is absolutely, positively fantastic. I always say that she is my soul-mate of a friend because I think that we are just meant to be friends in this life. We have so much in common... we are both vegetarians (I swear we have the same taste buds), we love the same music, same hobbies, and even the same clothes. I once came home to visit when Dh and I lived away, and she and I were wearing the same coat, boots, and sweater when we met for dinner. You probably get it by now... she not just a great friend, she is my sister from another mother.

So, as things became worse with Dh, I knew that I had a friend that I could count on. I cannot say that she has disappointed me in this respect, but I do feel that she could be there for me a little more. Dh went to stay at his mom's over three weeks ago, and I haven't even seen her. We live in the same town...10 minutes apart. She has been there on the phone when I call her, but I just find it strange that she rarely calls and hasn't really made an effort to spend any time with me. I know that she is a busy gal, but damn, my husband just left.

I can only hypothesize on this, but from what I gather when I talk to my BF, she seems to be angry with Dh. She loves me, and she is angry with him for hurting me. BF is a very intelligent person, and I have talked with her about PTSD, the symptoms, and how Dh's symptoms fit perfectly with his diagnosis. It seems that BF thinks that this PTSD thing is a load of crap. Her advice often sounds like, "Well, you are his WIFE, and you just need to tell him that he needs to come home." I explain that the situation and symptoms of PTSD prevent me from having that sort of control... and she just seems to think that I'm taking crap that I shouldn't be.

I know that I am carrying our marriage right now, and no.. it's not right, it's not fair, and it certainly sucks. I have never been one to let myself be thrown under the bus. However, in this situation, I feel that my choices are either that I do carry our marriage while Dh and I both get counseling to better the situation, or I give up. And the latter certainly isn't my style...

I am a strong woman, as is BF. I think that perhaps she thinks that I am being weak in this particular situation, but in reality, this is taking more strength than I ever knew that I had in me.

I really love and need my best friend right now more than ever... any ideas on how to remedy this one?

I'm a library nerd! ...again

Now that I am all done with grad school, I find myself with lots of extra time on my hands... What to do with all of this time you might ask? I am rediscovering my local library! I have recently rented several books and DVDs, and I feel like I am getting a great deal! It is not as if the library had fallen off the face of the planet... it's been here all along. What happened was that I fell into the major franchise bookstore trap! Why am I going to Barnes and Noble and paying to read things that I can read for free? This whole thing is not unlike paying several dollars for a bottled water... I am putting my foot down! Money is tight, and I am no longer paying for things I can get for free!

Also, the library even has their own cat... one up on B & N!

Uninvited Houseguest!

Yikes! I was on the phone with one of my good friends when my sister did one of those whisper/yell kind of things letting me know that Dh's cousin is downstairs! He decided to stop by for a surprise visit!

It was really very kind of him, but it was terrible for me! It would have been fine if Dh's extended family knew about the PTSD and Dh staying with his mom for a while.... but they don't. Dh seems to want to keep things a secret from those we don't really interact with on a regular basis... and I almost take that as a good sign at this point because it may mean that he doesn't view this as a permanent thing. That particular part of the extended family would also have a field day knowing about all of this, so we thought it better not to say anything.

I must also mention that I am absolutely the worst liar there ever was. I am the person who ruins jokes that people play on others because I am so bad at going along with it... I am also the person who accidentally brings a paper clip home from the office, and has to bring it back... and I am just too darn honest! So, when I finally approached Dh's cousin, I wouldn't be surprised if he knew something was up because I'm such a freak! Things went something like this:

Me: Hello, cousin, how are you? It's so good to see you!

Cousin: Hey, good, is Dh around?

Me: mmmm , noooo, he is over at his mom's helping her do something.

Cousin: Oh! Are they home? I will just stop by there...

Me: mmmm, I don't think they're home, they went to pick something up in Stillville. They needed to use Dh's truck because they have a small car, I'm not sure when they will be back.

Cousin: Well, I will give you my number, and then Dh can call me when he gets back...

Me: Ok..

Cousin: It's on you now! haha!

Me: :nervous chuckle:

Get it out!

"I read a study related to PTSD - - why did journalists who were embedded with combat troops fair better than the troops themselves? The study found it was because the journalists had an outlet for what they had experienced and could process it - - get it out." ~Part of Rangersgirl's response to my 5¢ Confessions post.

When Rangersgirl posted this response... I thought it was so interesting and made perfect sense! It also reminded me of a recent conversation that I had with a Vietnam Veteran. We were talking about World War II, and about how things were so much different for service members and families during that war. This gentleman spoke about how many World War II Veterans came home with issues like PTSD, but often times they were not as severe as what we see in service members today. The reason for this? During those times, service members were transported by ship. They spent a month or two at sea before returning home. And what happened during those months? They talked! They got it all out! So, by the time they actually arrived home they had done so much processing with one another that many of those Veterans felt ready to return to their families.

Now, the transition happens so quickly for most service members... they go from war to family in a matter of days. I know that flying is more practical... but if it had meant that DH had a better chance of being OK when he came home, I wouldn't have minded those extra months at sea : )

The Wrong Crowd

Once in a while when I was younger, my mom would say, "I don't know what it is about him, but I just don't like him." There would be a friend that would give off some kind of negative vibe, and she would be reluctant to allow me to hang out with that person... etc.

Well, I am getting the same feeling from some of DH's friends that he met while he was away at training. They are his only friends that have never met me, and it seems that perhaps they could be the only friends that are supportive of his leaving...etc. I also don't think that they are fully aware of DH's PTSD and how that affects him.

The story I really haven't told until now is that after DH paid that terrible phone call on that cold Wednesday afternoon, he didn't call me until almost a week later. He spent all of that time on vacation with his friends that he had met while at training. That week was awful for me. I had just been given the most horrible news I have received thus far in my life, that my husband no longer loves me and may want a divorce, and then I couldn't even talk to him! It seemed incredibly selfish of him at the time, but I know now that it is all part of his diagnosis... lack of feeling/caring, avoidance...etc.

Anyway, I don't think that that week did him any good. I later found out that his friend had met a girl while they were there, despite having a very nice girlfriend of his own. They also did lots of going out and drinking, which is out of character for DH. DH has never been one to be swayed by the crowd, but as of lately, I don't know. When DH returned, it took him a while to even get adjusted to being here rather than with these friends and living that lifestyle. He talked about our hometown and our life as being boring..etc. when he couldn't wait to get back before.

So tonight, DH tells me that he wants to go on vacation with these friends again for a week and a half. Inside, I was like, exploding. On the outside I said, "Oh, really?" I mean, we have no money to spend on this, and more importantly, I think that this may cause him to regress... all of the progress he has made thus far would be for naught. He said he wants the vacation to relax, but if this is so, then he should take a vacation to visit some of his best friends. To me, this vacation spells out avoidance with a capital A... avoiding the life that he has here.

Unfortunately, I don't think that I have much control in this situation. DH is already at his parent's home. If he wants to go, he will go. I can fight him about it and he will go mad at me, or I can let him make his own decision without trying to get in his way, and perhaps he will keep the communication open while he is there. I will give him some of my thoughts on the idea, but I won't fight with him over it at this point.

It sucks to feel so powerless... They always say that the person least invested in the relationship has the most control...

Update:

DH told me that he has made the decision to go on the trip. It won't be for a week and a half, it will be for two whole weeks. F*ING AWESOME. There will surely be more to come on this topic...

Goodbye diet.... hello DH!

I have been on a strict diet and exercising all week. It is always a constant struggle for me to keep weight off... However, when DH invited me for pizza tonight, there was no way I was turning him down!

The "date" itself actually went pretty well. Lots of great conversation, and DH even asked if I wanted to go for ice cream after (ha, and there was no way I was going to turn him down that time either)! We then took the ice cream to a park and sat and talked as we ate for another 45 minutes or so... it felt pretty good.

Dating?

Straightening hair... switching outfits... applying make-up to perfection ... for DH? Of course I would do these things for DH before, but come on, after five years of marriage I think most of us know that this is not the every day occurrence. But now that DH is staying at his mom's house, I find that every time I know that I will be seeing him I am doing a fashion show in front of the mirror! As I type, I am awaiting a call from DH. I spoke to him just a few minutes ago and he invited me to get some pizza! This is a milestone...DH placing the invite.

As I wait and engage in all of this preparation, I really have this feeling like we are dating again?! It's so strange. It's exciting in some of the same ways, but still very different. I didn't do much dating back in the day since DH and I have been together since high school, but maybe this is something like dating a guy that isn't that into me? Perhaps I need to win him over? haha : ) ahhhh...the quandaries of trying to figure out this situation. Well... I just got the call, and he wants me to meet him there... kind of strange but I'll go with it... I'll give an update on the "date" later : )

5¢ Confession: Pity Party

I hate to be pitied. I hate when people feel bad for me, I hate when I feel bad for myself. This is probably why I don't like when my mom finds out I've been crying! It is also why this blog is such a release for me. I rarely go around talking about my own problems to friends... I would rather let my best friend tell me how her life is a disaster because she is having difficulty installing her microwave...when my husband just told me that he doesn't love me.

When I went to graduate school, we were often forced to share our feelings in a group. I know, forced is a strong word, but when your grade is depending on it, it really is being forced! Anyhow, DH was away at the time, and when it came my turn, I talked about missing him and the difficulty that distance can put on a relationship. I also shared how I hate to be pitied. Many responded saying that they felt bad for saying things like, "I feel so bad for you...etc." In turn, I felt bad! I didn't mean to shoot down the support that they may have offered.

What I wished I had said is that there is a DIFFERENCE between being supportive and pitying a person. Most of us can appreciate a friend who can just lend an ear... and this feels very different from when someone says, "How are youuuu doooingggg? (As they rub your arm and give you a sad face) I don't know how you do it, I never could. I just feel soooo bad for you. Hang in there." I can't count how many times I've been to that pity party while my husband was way! This is not to say that there isn't a fine line between the two, because often there is. For civilians, this line can be blurry. I think that they often do their best but sometimes just don't know what to say.

In my current situation, I find myself avoiding people that don't already know about DH, his moving out, and PTSD. I suppose that it's going to be a long and hard road, and I should probably find a better way to cope with that, but for now, it's just so much easier than being pitied!

How do Moms always know?!?!

Last night after DH left I was feeling kind of down. I know, I should have been thrilled that he was even here... but instead, I was just feeling sad. When he comes over, it's great that he is just present. But when I watch him pull out of the driveway, it's a reminder that he isn't at home, and he won't be sleeping in our bed tonight. And not because the military has pulled him away, but because he doesn't want to...

So, my mom gets home and knocks on my door. I had cried maybe 20 minutes before she got home, but as soon as she opened the door she said, "You've been crying!" Ughhh! How does she always know! I mean, I wasn't puffy faced, red-nosed..anything! I guess moms just have a way of knowing...

5¢ Confessions

When all of this started, I thought to myself, "How am I even going to make it through the day?" I feel incredibly selfish even typing that. I have always been an altruistic sort of person, and I view myself in that light. I guess that is why I feel like it's wrong of me to feel sad or angry for myself, and I actually feel guilty doing so!

Why should I feel bad for myself when my husband came home? At this point there are 4,099 that haven't from this war alone. That figure that is so much more than a number lends to countless family members whose lives will never be the same...

And haven't you seen those commercials? People are sick, starving and homeless all over the world... and with only five-cents per day I could help.

So now, at one of the hardest times of my life, I find myself looking upon the hardship that others have endured to remind myself that things could really be much worse. But simultaneously, I am a human, and damn it, I deserve to feel crappy sometimes! Avoiding negative emotions, talking myself out of being sad/angry, is actually something that I've been doing for a long time now...way before DH was diagnosed with PTSD. So, in effort to stop the madness of not letting myself be mad, I am going to start doing five-cent confessions on my blog. I am going to give myself the five-cents for once.... five-cents worth of talking about something that makes me feel angry, sad, betrayed... whatever negative emotion you can think of. Basically, it's going to be a bitch session. Feel free to join if you like!

(Ughh...I re-read this and I am already feeling selfish! Darn it! I guess that allowing myself to feel sucky is going to be a struggle in itself...)

Homeostasis

Psychology-heads claim that families continuously strive for homeostasis, or a balance, that works for their individual family. This balance I speak of pertains to all aspects of life, from who the family spends time with to what they do with their time. Over the past few weeks, or couple of months actually, DH and I have been struggling to maintain this balance... And as awkward and weird as things are with DH living at his mom's home, we have somehow developed a way to live like this... a way to live where I can actually function day to day without being holed up crying about the whole thing in my bedroom all day.

DH comes over from time to time, I go over to his mom's once in a while, and we go places sometimes... out to dinner...etc. And although this is not the lifestyle of choice, it seems to be working pretty well for now : )

Good Day

Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I spent some time with my dad this morning, and then went to visit DH and his parents in the early afternoon. After spending a while there, I met my parents to go kayaking.

The last time I went kayaking it was quite an adventure. I flipped multiple times and even got caught holding onto a fallen log in the middle of a strong current! I felt like Lassie barking for help as I helplessly floated down a river on a piece of plywood.... (I don't know that this actually happened to Lassie, but it's easy to envision). This time... SUCCESS!! No flips, and it was just as fun. Plus, kayaking really gives your arms a good work out, which is just what I need!

To top things off, DH came over to my house for the first time since he left a couple of weeks ago. It was nice to have him at home again...even though I knew he would be leaving again at the end of the night to go back to his parents' home. He is also coming by again tomorrow for my youngest brother's birthday party. And, he hugged me again before I left (earlier and tonight). Two hugs in one day?! I am starting to get SPOILED! ... (sarcastic)

I would have never pictured my life to be this way... the littlest things bringing so much hope...

Nutshell

I had originally started this blog about three weeks ago to cope with my husband's diagnosis with PTSD. Although I don't want to make things redundant for those who may have read previously, I thought it appropriate to give a recap of how I got to this place anyway.

About two and a half months ago, DH was due to return from a three-month training. I hadn't seen him throughout his training, and I was very excited doing the usual homecoming preparations... cleaning, stocking the fridge with favorite items...etc. These preparations were then abruptly halted by a shocking phone call from DH. He, in many more words, told me that he did not love me, nor his family, anymore and that he thought that he may be experiencing symptoms of PTSD. He also did not want to return home to me. He preferred to go stay with his parents. But, with some coaxing, I was able to get him to agree to return home and get help before making such a rash decision.

DH did come home, and immediately sought out help at the VA. Unfortunately, getting appointments ...etc. can be a very timely process. In the meantime, DH loved no one, showed no affection, had insomnia, and was irritable and on guard. I tried to be supportive, but also struggled to cope with the (hopefully temporary) loss of my husband as my best friend, lover, and life partner. DH was present, but not really.

Two months and a PTSD diagnosis later, DH felt as if he could no longer live in the house with me. He claimed that it wasn't anything that I was or wasn't doing, it was just that he was experiencing a great deal of anxiety being with me. He moved in to his parents home about two and a half weeks ago.

This was totally DEVASTATING. I thought that it meant the end of our marriage... and I must say, DH and I have been together 10yrs/married 5 yrs, and we really do have and amazing love and terrific relationship. Perhaps this is why I took it so hard. But, since that time, things have actually gotten a little better. DH and I have agreed to work toward the common goal of a healthy marriage. We have been seeing each other pretty regularly, and DH actually initiated a hug before I left the last three times I have visited. (This was a BIG deal since he hadn't hugged me since before he went away to training) His mother actually got a new kitten, which has been pretty helpful for him (I read that pets are great for people with a PTSD diagnosis). He also started seeing another counselor in addition to the one he rarely sees at the VA. This counseling was set up through The Vet Center, and it has been great. Things were set up in a matter of days. I highly recommend them if you need help fast.

Those who had read the original blog know that there were lots of ups and downs between all of this... and I really couldn't go back and write those same posts with the same feelings as I felt on those days... but, I hope that this will serve as some background info so one might know what the heck I'm talking about from here on out! : )

(Insert profanities here)

Hey everyone! As you may or may not have noticed, my original blog was recently deleted. One may question how this happens, and all I have to say is that it is a long LONG story involving a 6 year old child and my own stupidity. So, with that said, I will never leave my blog up on the computer ever again!

I put lots of effort into the original blog, so I was kind of sickened that it had disappeared. It took me a few days before I could create it once again. And, unfortunately, none of my previous posts are archived to my computer, so I will have to start fresh... I certainly learned my lesson on this one!