Just Because

What an eventful weekend. I ended up going away for a couple of days with my family... and I really used the time to clear my head.

This past Thursday, I paid a visit to "Icebox" AKA my counselor... (hehe, maybe I shouldn't call her this anymore, as she does seem to be getting a little better... "Refrigerator" instead?) During this past visit, she talked about how perhaps Dh's lack of love for me is something aside from the PTSD. That was hard to hear... and it sunk into my head like an anchor. But, the truth is that this is a thought that I've been marinating on for quite some time.

I sometimes wonder if it's true. Could Dh not love me just because? Because of no particular reason? I have been thinking about this all weekend more intensely, and I find that the more I think about things from that perspective, the more angry I become at Dh. I don't want to blame him for something that is not his fault... but at the same time, if this is more than PTSD, as the therapist suggests, than it brings about a whole different realm of emotions. It's sort of a whole new level of rejection.

I suppose what I am struggling with the most concerning this topic is how to tell the difference.... is his lack of love due to the PTSD, or is it just because? The counselor suggests talking with Dh about it... but honestly, I don't think that he even knows... But, never the less, talking with Dh about this issue is my "homework" from the counselor. I'm sooo nervous... However, I think that it's something that I must do, as it really informs my feelings on the situation.

Uggh... I think that I have too much time for thinking.