Mad Max

Despite all of my angry/frustrated/hopeless posts I've been up to recently, I actually have a pretty funny story to share... a little scary, but funny just the same : )

I have mentioned before that I live with my family. I am the oldest of four siblings... and all of us our in our twenties besides the youngest... and we also all still live at home with our parents... (I actually returned home during Dh's deployment, and then stayed through grad school... just had to add that for my own dignity!) Anyway... with all of the young people around, I often feel as if I am living in some sort of strange frat house! So, what happened this past weekend was not a total surprise...

I spent this past Saturday evening at home. As my brother got ready to go out with his girlfriend... I could tell that he was feeling bad for me. I can always tell when he invites me to come out with them! But, in all actuality, I spend many nights in and it's really not a big deal. I'm a little older than he is, and it's fine for me, but I guess he must see it as depressing...

So, I go on to spend the evening watching a funny movie with my youngest brother and his friend... I was perfectly content. Mid-movie, I get a phone call from my other brother's friend, whom I will call "Max." Now, I haven't talked to Max in years. He is one of those people that you know your whole life but never get to know very well. But, none the less, Max has had one too many beers and is insisting that I come to the bar for a drink with he and my brother. I tell him no, that's ok, I am watching a movie at home...etc. I hang up, and again, Max calls... but this time, I don't answer the phone. I don't even know how he got my number?! The movie ends, and I go to sleep.

ZZZzzzzzZZZzzzzzz

"BOOOOOOMMMMM" "Heyyyyy! What's up!!!!"

I awake from a solid sleep to the sound of my locked door being busted in! I am quickly grabbing for the Ka-Bar I keep under my bed while I simultaneously try to take it all in... This person is waving a cell phone in my face as a light and talking to me... this isn't a stranger or someone trying to rob me... it's Max! Before I know it, Max is trying to get in the bed with me! Of course I told him hell no, and that he needed to go sleep in my brother's room... but he just wasn't listening! Although he wasn't trying to touch me in any way, I still didn't want him in my bed! And to make matters worse, I was not fully clothed, as I was in my room sleeping in my bed behind my locked door! So, here I am, abruptly awakened by Max, whom I really don't know that well... trying to keep myself covered up with the blanket as I am pushing him out of my bed! And to top it off, Max says, "I can't believe you're doing this to me!" WHAT?! He can't believe what I'M doing to HIM! I still can't believe what his ass had the nerve to do to ME! He tells me that he is leaving for my brother's room, and says, "I'll be up there if you want to come up!" HA! That would be the day!

I awake the next morning wondering if that all really happened, because who would be crazy enough to do that?! The incident was then substantiated when I found a text message saying, "What are you doing?" from Max at 3:30am! What did he think I was doing?! Fixing my door and installing deadbolts of course!

PS.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I found out that my brother had stayed at a friend's house that evening... so Max just showed up at our home randomly. AWESOME.

Copy Cat

Things have really come to a stalemate between Dh and I. As I posted about not too long ago, he really doesn't seem to know what he wants... and the longer things go on, I find myself feeling the same way.

As a matter of fact... I find that Dh and I are starting to have a lot in common in this circus of a life. He seems to be emotionally detached from the situation, and as of lately, so am I. Perhaps things just became too painful to bear, but one day recently, I just stopped being sad.

He is avoiding me because it's easier than acknowledging that I'm here. I've started to do the same with him... it's easier not to see him, as then I am not reminded of what our relationship has become.

I'm not saying that these newly developed behaviors are healthy... I know that they aren't... I actually wish that I was not "copying" him when it comes to these feelings, or the lack there of... I also want to be clear that none of this is out of spite. It just seems that stages of grief are catching up with me...

Shit... I had tried sooooo hard for that not to happen.

The Tides are Changing

I've been wanting to write this post for about a week... but each time I bring myself to do it, I just can't. When I have those kinds of feelings... I know that it's time to turn to myself to see what the heck is going on with me.

So here's what's going on. I've been feeling really weird lately... almost detached from this whole situation with Dh. When I think of the situation... I find that my feelings have changed. I am no longer devastated and sad... these feelings have been replaced by frustration and anger. I don't wait around all day for him to call, and then cry if he doesn't do so. Actually, I haven't even had a strong desire to see Dh. It is easier for me not to see him because when I do, it's a constant reminder that he has rejected me.

I can feel my attitude about this whole thing changing... and it's scary. I am feeling guilty for not being sad anymore. I also feel guilty for even slightly recognizing that I could be OK if our marriage ends up in divorce.

I was afraid to write this post because I didn't want anyone to judge me, or think that I was giving up. But, perhaps writing this was a concrete acknowledgment to myself that I have started to give up in some ways. I don't want to, but I just can't live this way forever.

"I don't know"

"I don't know... I don't know... I don't know," said Dh.

The man just doesn't know.

These words make me want to roar as if I am some mythical creature! I am getting soooo frustrated!

Dh came over on Tuesday, and we hung out for a while watching TV. I also attempted "the talk." ... however, I know from past experience that Dh isn't much of a talker when it comes to this subject. In light of this, I decided to write my thoughts into a letter. Upon giving Dh the letter, all he could say was, "I don't know." To be honest... I'm not quite sure what I wanted him to say... but I know that it wasn't those three words.

I guess I wrote this letter just to be acknowledged by him... but I wasn't.Up until this point, I have accommodated all of his needs... even the difficult ones.. like moving out. However, my needs continue to go unrecognized. I have recently come to a point where I realize that I can support him, but at the same time, I must take care of myself as well. There is no reason that he can't be at least respectful of me and my needs. For example, there is no reason that he can't say, "I know this is tough for you right now, but just hold on a little longer with me..." Instead of making such a statement... or respecting my needs, he just ignores that I have any. Hence, my frustration. I do think that he was a little taken back that I was up front about what I needed for once...

So, after reading the letter and saying those "magic" words... Dh left to go home. He told me he would talk to me about things the next day... however, he didn't call. Yesterday came, and he called. We decided to talk again... and we are now at a point where he is somewhat agreeable to couples counseling.

Ughh... this is a long and hard road... I must offically be a Rough Rider by now. If only I had a bike!

In the Name of Love

I received a very nice email from a reader recently. She gave me a nice compliment on my blog, and also called me a "brave and special" person. While I most certainly appreciated her thoughts, I included in my email back to her that "almost anyone would do the same for love."

Although I am new to blogging and I don't have thousands of readers... I know that many of the readers that I do have are going through a similar situation as I am... and it is likely that many of you read my blog because it helps you to feel like your not alone in the roller coaster of emotions that PTSD provokes in families.

I have said repeatedly that I would never wish this on anyone, but when I hear your stories, it does help to know that I am in good company. And when I say good company... I mean the best company. You are all so brave and special... and you exhibit these valiant characteristics in the name of love.

Thank you for being there : )

I love butterflies, but not these kind

Dh is coming over tonight... I'm feeling sick over the talk that I'm supposed to have with him. It's not that he is a hard person to talk to, it's just the topic of the said conversation that is creating butterflies in my stomach.

I feel like it could result in something that I don't want to hear.

Just Because

What an eventful weekend. I ended up going away for a couple of days with my family... and I really used the time to clear my head.

This past Thursday, I paid a visit to "Icebox" AKA my counselor... (hehe, maybe I shouldn't call her this anymore, as she does seem to be getting a little better... "Refrigerator" instead?) During this past visit, she talked about how perhaps Dh's lack of love for me is something aside from the PTSD. That was hard to hear... and it sunk into my head like an anchor. But, the truth is that this is a thought that I've been marinating on for quite some time.

I sometimes wonder if it's true. Could Dh not love me just because? Because of no particular reason? I have been thinking about this all weekend more intensely, and I find that the more I think about things from that perspective, the more angry I become at Dh. I don't want to blame him for something that is not his fault... but at the same time, if this is more than PTSD, as the therapist suggests, than it brings about a whole different realm of emotions. It's sort of a whole new level of rejection.

I suppose what I am struggling with the most concerning this topic is how to tell the difference.... is his lack of love due to the PTSD, or is it just because? The counselor suggests talking with Dh about it... but honestly, I don't think that he even knows... But, never the less, talking with Dh about this issue is my "homework" from the counselor. I'm sooo nervous... However, I think that it's something that I must do, as it really informs my feelings on the situation.

Uggh... I think that I have too much time for thinking.

Next Time, He'll Eat Morningstar

Dh spent the day eating chicken yesterday. Chicken wings for lunch... a chicken sandwich for dinner... He must have really been in the chicken mood...

Anyway, now he has food poisoning, and he isn't quite clear which chicken he got it from... but then again, I guess it doesn't matter when his favorite room of the house is now the bathroom!

I didn't actually see Dh today because of his illness, but I spoke to him over the phone and talked to his mom. His mom told me how she went out and bought him some Gatorade to try and rehydrate him.

I miss being the one who takes care of him.

I would have bought ginger ale : )

Unknown Folders

Although I trust Dh that he was on his best behavior throughout his vacation, I still wonder what took place. Dh explains things factually with little detail... IE. "We drove to the store. We went to the beach. We went out." It drives me nuts! Therefore, the events of those weeks will probably be just more non-memories (for me) that will go into the "unknown" folder in my brain.

There are many non-memories concerning Dh that are housed in this particular folder, starting when Dh left for boot camp many years back. The events of both his first and second deployment are also located in this folder. As a military spouse, I understand that I will never know all the details of those events... and I have come to terms with that. But, when it comes to things like a vacation without me, I can't help but want to know every detail!

I sometimes wonder if Dh has his own "unknown" folder on me? If you're thinking logically, you would think that he does. But for some reason, I have this feeling that he doesn't... I think that it has a lot to do with my life being very predictable. He knows exactly where I will be sleeping, who I will be spending my time with, and what I'm doing on a day to day basis. I think that he doesn't wonder because he thinks that he already knows... but the truth is, there is so much that happens regularly that he misses out on because he isn't/wasn't here... Or, perhaps it is now, and has been in the past, easier for him to cope if he doesn't think about all of those little things that he is missing...

I just don't know. And that's exactly my issue...

Reality Bites... but not so hard tonight

So, I just got home from the airport. There has been some definite progress, but I can't help but feel disappointment that I didn't get a miracle. Although I didn't really think that it would happen, I had let myself imagine that he would come home and give me lots of hugs and kisses, and things just might be normal again. But of course... reality strikes again.

Aaacckkk... it pains me so.

Although there were no fairy tales, Dh came through the gate and gave me a big hug and a quick kiss... like the kind that you give your mom. But, at least it was a kiss... on the lips! This was a first...

Despite the semi-warm welcome, Dh had actually had a very bad flight. He was pretty stressed. I let him vent about the rude flight attendant who yelled, "Can't you read?!" when he accidentally placed his bag in the wrong compartment... and then continued to harass him. I didn't even tell him to calm down once (This is a problem of mine, I previously tried to calm him all the time instead of just letting him be angry)!

We went on to talk about our trips on the hour ride home... He mentioned a couple of times about needing to make an appointment with his therapist through The Vet Center (this is the one that will hopefully counsel both of us in the near future)... it was almost like he was letting me know that he is still planning on making an effort.

And best of all... After talking about milspouse friend's lovely apartment, I mentioned how nice it would be to have our own space, and how if I get this job, then perhaps we could get an apartment/small house. He agreed, saying that it would be "nice to have a space for stuff."

Woooohooo! I am praying that I get this job!

Refrigerator Salad

When I visited my milspouse friend, I learned that she and her husband keep a refrigerator salad... This is a salad bowl that they continuously replenish, which in turn, allows a person to have a salad at any given time. Because the salad is already made, it makes it simple to eat salad instead of other, less healthy, options.

So, in effort to eat a little healthier, I have implemented the refrigerator salad at my house. Now, let's see how long it takes for me to eat it... or for it to rot... hehe...

Ahhhhh...

I have been the epitome of laziness today, but I just can't help it. It's a Sunday afternoon and it's been raining cats and dogs for hours... One would think that this gloom would make a person depressed... but it actually feels good to lay around after a busy week.

The interview I had on Monday went pretty good... I think... I hope! I have some stiff competition, but I think my chances are pretty good. I won't find out for another couple of weeks. It would be so nice to get this position... not only is it my dream job, but it would bring enough financial stability for Dh and I to buy a small house or at least get an apartment if that opportunity arises.

I am lucky enough to have had great communication with my mother-in-law through all of this. My MIL was recently telling me about a conversation that she had with Dh the other day. They were talking about our future children. Dh even talked about my brother being an Uncle...etc. Just that little piece of news made me feel so good inside... And things have been really pretty good throughout Dh's vacation... We have been calling each other throughout, and he has even said that he is ready to get home. I don't think he meant home with me, but back from his vacation.... that's OK, it's still a good thing. He also asked if I wanted to go out to dinner when he gets back : ) Maybe the vacation has done the man some good!

I can't wait to pick him up from the airport tomorrow night!

It's so good to see you, Memory Foam Mattress

Wow, my mini-vacation really flew by! I had an awesome time, but I am so glad to be home... Since we bought our tempur-pedic mattress I find it hard to be away for too long... just a few days has me longing for the memory foam (I guess this is how I know I'm getting older?) You just can't mold yourself into a regular old mattress.. hehe... It also makes me think I'm spoiled, as our service members don't have the luxury of coming back after a couple of days to mold themselves into their foam bed.

It makes me wonder how Dh can go without sleeping on it for as long as he has since he has been at his mom's house. I mean, ...forget me... the bed itself is so good that I often wonder if the mattress will be enough to bring Dh back home!

OK, your thinking how much more is she going to talk about this bed... but, why stop here?

My trip reminded me of my mattress not just because I missed it, but also because going back to an old milspouse friend is a lot like lying on my memory foam bed, and here's why:

-It's supports you no matter what
-It immediately remembers just who you are
-There is nothing that comes between the two of you
-At the end of the day, you can always count on it
-It comforts you
-You miss it when your apart
-It will never forget you
-It has cell mass (this has nothing to do with being a friend, but true just the same)

If only the mattress could talk... it would make a fine substitute for my best milspouse friend. I miss her already!

Breaking Out the Suitcase

Although my student loan payments point to no... I am going on a vacation! Dh is on vacation, so why shouldn't I take one too? After I finish my interview this afternoon, I am off to visit my best military friend until Friday. I think that she is just what I need right now... it feels good to be in the presence of someone who just gets it. It will also be fun to catch up, see her new place, and do some sight-seeing. Posting could be sparse this week, but back to normal by Saturday or so : )

Kind Words

Although the incident described in Busted was very stressful and anxiety-provoking... there were some very positive things that came out of that circus of an evening.

When I talked to Dh about my "find," he denied that they were his... and he was telling the truth. He also made such caring statements as, "I'm actually kind of angry about this... I feel bad that you even had to go through that ... thinking they were mine." He also said that had he found something like that in my car that he would have been so upset that he wouldn't be able to speak! At the beginning of all this when he wanted a divorce right away, he had indicated that the thought of me having a relationship with someone else did not bother him. And the best of all, I told him that I loved him and he said, "I love you too." AWESOME! I can't get too excited because he didn't say it back again when I talked to him today... but I think we are making progress and I am excited about that!

This is hard for me to admit... but... perhaps the vacation has been good for him?

Nervous Excitement

I am all nerves today because I have a job interview tomorrow. It is a dream of a position for me... I try to remind myself that all I can do is my best, and even if I don't get it, I will still have those things that are most important to me in this world. I hate waiting for things that I have anxiety about...

The Opposite of Perfume

Weather-wise... it's a beautiful night. Starry sky, not to hot... not to cold... I decided that I deserved a glass of wine due to the antics I endured earlier this evening. So, I sat outside next to the firepit under the stars... and just relaxed. It felt soooo good to be alone and lost in thought as I looked up at the stars.

But... I was not alone for long! I spotted a skunk.... right next to me! He was walking around me as if he was my dog or something... and I didn't even hear him! Perhaps he didn't see me either? I jumped up and walked to the side, and he walked in the opposite direction... no spraying... it was a peaceful parting... Thank God! Did I mention that I have a job interview on Monday? That would have made quite the first impression!

Busted!

WOW! It's been one hell of a night! And it started like this...

Despite the fact that Dh is staying at his mom's right now... I have his vehicle at my house while he is away on his trip. Our new insurance cards came in... so I thought that I would put them in each of the cars. When I opened Dh's glove compartment... a CVS bag fell on my hand. I looked inside... and it was as if I had stared into the face of the devil himself...it was a wife's worst nightmare... CONDOMS! Now... I lost it, really.. I completely lost my shit. We don't even use those because we really have no need...we are in a monogamous relationship and are both healthy people. Plus... PTSD, no affection right now... hence...no sex in the champagne room...or in any other room for that matter.

I hashed it out with my sister, and determined that I had to call Dh about it... NOW. So, I called... and Dh was shocked! He completely denied up and down that they were his. I know that you will all roll your eyes when you read the following statement... but I am really good at knowing when people are lying to me... especially Dh. After listening to him... I thought that he was telling the truth. But how would those get there? Who did they belong to? If Dh was planning on using those, wouldn't he have brought them on his trip? Even though it didn't seem as if he was lying, I couldn't help but have doubts, given the situation in it's entirety. And let me tell you, I will be there for my husband through anything... but not an affair.

At this point, I called my best friend. And I have to say, she was really there for me tonight. She was very supportive... discussing the facts with me in a caring way. We sat in a restaurant for about four hours going over every single possibility...

As we were getting ready to leave, I received a phone call from Dh. After some investigating on his end, it turns out that they belonged to my 17 year old brother! He had hidden them there since Dh's car has been at the house (we stay with my family). Talk about a sigh of relief! I mean, although I am not thrilled about my brother's "activity," I am glad that he is being safe... AND that they do not belong to my husband in any way!

And how could my little brother be stupid enough to put those in my husband's car, aren't Trojans supposed to make one "evolve?" :) I definitely need a glass of wine tonight...

Independence Day

Ahhh... the birth of our amazing country. Growing up, I always loved the Fourth because it meant picnics, s'mores and fireworks. Of course, I still love these things, but I have developed a whole new set of reasons for loving the Fourth since becoming an adult... and especially since becoming a military spouse.

Military folks tend to be especially patriotic... and for obvious reasons. I think that it's because we don't just know what it took to gain independence... we feel what it took. I get choked up every time I hear the Star-Spangled Banner. I am the only adult in the school who will rise for the Pledge of Allegiance each morning, even if I'm the only one in my office. I enjoy this time of year because I feel like I am joined by the rest of the country in my patriotism... I truly wish that I would see flags flying and people celebrating our country all year round.

I even get emotional as I watch the fireworks on the Fourth. I hear loud booms followed by a spray of lovely colors in the night sky... and then I think about our military overseas... who may hear similar booms that provoke entirely different emotions. There are so many service members that would love to be home celebrating with their own families... but instead, they fight for families in another land... so that they too may celebrate their own independence.

Thank God for them... and Happy Birthday America!

Current Events

Dh is currently on his trip to Florida with his friend A-holio. That's not his birth name, but it's the name I've given him... suits him well, I think, ha. Anyway, I've talked with Dh a couple of times... the communication is flowing pretty well. I just hope that we can keep it going for the next week and a half.

In other news, CNN's most popular story this hour was "TMZ allowed to repost 'Mini-Me' sex tape." The most popular story right now... WTF?! Don't people follow anything important?!

The North Pole.... Errr, I mean the counselor's office

I like warm people. People who are friendly and can make a person feel comfortable.... My kind of crowd... : )

I made my second visit to the counselor today... and I have to say, she's an iceberg! OK, maybe that's exaggerating, but definitely an icicle! She is just not outwardly friendly, at all! Last time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt... I thought, perhaps she is just having a bad day... But, I show up today, and again, a polar bear. There was really no effort made to get to know me, and she just dove right into things. Of course, I was there to talk about my situation, but I could have used a little superficial B.S. talk for a couple of minutes at least... how's the weather?... maybe a smile... or God forbid, a laugh? I was nervous! And she wasn't helping!

Also, from what I gather, it does not seem that my civilian counselor has much experience with the military, deployments, or combat-related PTSD... Some of the things that have come out of her mouth just blow my mind... and then I become more frustrated than anything!

For example:

The counselor gave me this whole scenario surrounding a husband getting cancer. She said that in this case, the wife might take on extra duties, pick up slack in the marriage, and provide lots of support to the husband in his time of need. In return, the husband will love his wife more and be grateful for what she's done for him. I was sure she was using this as a stepping stone to then say how the nature of PTSD makes the latter dynamic different... but she didn't! She was trying to show similarity in the two situations! She said that Dh should be loving me more now after all that I've done for him! Maybe in a PTSD fairy tale! Anyone who has even done a google search of PTSD can see that a major symptom is emotional numbing. Of course Dh isn't going to show me more love and be grateful to me at this point! Down the road, when he reflects back on it all, that could be a possibility... but not now! When I mention that the very nature of PTSD is different from cancer in that it affects emotions and relationships differently... the counselor provides some roundabout explanation to direct things in a route that suggests that yes, in fact, she is right.

Also, the counselor went on to make a generalization about military folk, saying that most guys come back and are just so happy to love and spend time with their families that it surpasses the effects of the war. And yes... this is true, for some... But not for all! I mean,.. HELLO, reintegration issues!

All together, the counselor just seemed to emphasize in a cordial way that Dh is a wierdo for not returning from war being loving and grateful for his wife. And, that he is even more of a weirdo because he won't love me extra and be more grateful for me now that I have supported him through his weirdness.

Acckkkk. I know beggars can't be choosers when it comes to free counseling (thanks to Military One Source, and it's not their fault- this counselor is the sole provider in my area), so I'll shut up now. Maybe a portable heater would do the trick? Or perhaps maybe one of those big shiny solar panels? Or, maybe I will just put her in a snowsuit : ) Sarah from Trying to Grok could knit her a hat and mittens! ha, the thought makes me laugh!