Phantom

I am sad to say that Dh and I have decided to get a divorce. I am not quite sure that I am completely comprehending it all just yet... but I have accepted what I do understand.

Dh no longer loves me. This is something that I thought that I would just never "get"... but somehow, someway, it clicked for me. I had always attributed his lack of love to the PTSD, however, I'm not sure that this was the case now.

I thought that no matter what I would keep loving Dh, and I do love him, but somewhere along this crooked line the romantic love stopped and a more platonic love began. I went through the stages of grief and loss... denial, sadness, anger, frustration...etc. and came to a place of acceptance. I can accept that Dh no longer loves me, and I can accept that I am no longer romantically in love with Dh. However, what is more difficult to accept is the loss of a very good marriage. When I married Dh, I never EVER thought that we would end up divorced. Our rock solid marriage stood the test of numerous trainings, deployments, and separations. But then something happened. I know that in many ways it was the PTSD, but there was something more... which I feel is the very worst part of it all. I honestly don't even know what it was that destroyed our wonderful marriage. It was as if some unknown silent attacker...a phantom... swooped in, did massive damage, and took off... without even being noticed. This could be where the true challenge lies in my future.

I know that many of you might be going through situations where your partner has been diagnosed with PTSD. Please do not let this result discourage you. I started this blog partly to help support those going through similar situations. However, as I mentioned above... the ultimate demise of my marriage was something more, something I'm not yet sure of, but something more none the less.

I have lots of stuff going on right now... I'm starting a new (but temporary) position which I'm very excited about... and of course all of the paperwork and such that comes along with a divorce...etc. But, I plan to keep my blog running, even if there is a change of subject matter!

You will all be in my thoughts and prayers : )

What's up?!

I haven't been posting as much as usual... and I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because my days have been quite boring lately, and therefore, I lack inspiration... but I think that it actually has more to do with my recent disconnect with Dh. It has often been my strong feelings surrounding this situation that have inspired many of my posts, and now that I am without them, I am feeling at a loss of words.

In the research I've done concerning PTSD, many articles stated that the spouse of the person suffering from PTSD will sometimes take on some of the symptoms her/himself. Although I am completely hypothesizing, or possibly even "psychologizing" myself, I wonder if I am starting to have the same "emotional numbness" symptoms that he is having? Or maybe I am just in a new stage of grieving the potential loss of my marriage?

Either way, I wonder, what the heck is up with me?!