Well, I am getting the same feeling from some of DH's friends that he met while he was away at training. They are his only friends that have never met me, and it seems that perhaps they could be the only friends that are supportive of his leaving...etc. I also don't think that they are fully aware of DH's PTSD and how that affects him.
The story I really haven't told until now is that after DH paid that terrible phone call on that cold Wednesday afternoon, he didn't call me until almost a week later. He spent all of that time on vacation with his friends that he had met while at training. That week was awful for me. I had just been given the most horrible news I have received thus far in my life, that my husband no longer loves me and may want a divorce, and then I couldn't even talk to him! It seemed incredibly selfish of him at the time, but I know now that it is all part of his diagnosis... lack of feeling/caring, avoidance...etc.
Anyway, I don't think that that week did him any good. I later found out that his friend had met a girl while they were there, despite having a very nice girlfriend of his own. They also did lots of going out and drinking, which is out of character for DH. DH has never been one to be swayed by the crowd, but as of lately, I don't know. When DH returned, it took him a while to even get adjusted to being here rather than with these friends and living that lifestyle. He talked about our hometown and our life as being boring..etc. when he couldn't wait to get back before.
So tonight, DH tells me that he wants to go on vacation with these friends again for a week and a half. Inside, I was like, exploding. On the outside I said, "Oh, really?" I mean, we have no money to spend on this, and more importantly, I think that this may cause him to regress... all of the progress he has made thus far would be for naught. He said he wants the vacation to relax, but if this is so, then he should take a vacation to visit some of his best friends. To me, this vacation spells out avoidance with a capital A... avoiding the life that he has here.
Unfortunately, I don't think that I have much control in this situation. DH is already at his parent's home. If he wants to go, he will go. I can fight him about it and he will go mad at me, or I can let him make his own decision without trying to get in his way, and perhaps he will keep the communication open while he is there. I will give him some of my thoughts on the idea, but I won't fight with him over it at this point.
It sucks to feel so powerless... They always say that the person least invested in the relationship has the most control...
Update:
DH told me that he has made the decision to go on the trip. It won't be for a week and a half, it will be for two whole weeks. F*ING AWESOME. There will surely be more to come on this topic...
2 comments:
I remember reading your post about this on your original blog. And I suspected that one of the "friends" was probably hooking up with some girl not his wife or his girlfriend - - What goes on deployment stays on deployment.
So, have these "friends" been to the sandbox? What is it about them that DH likes? Has he told you much about them?
Hang in there. BTW,in my opinion, don't be afraid to tell DH it hurts your feelings that he wants to go on vacation with these new friends and that you are kind of worried about other women being in the picture. Just be matter of fact about it - - not accussing or anything.
These friends haven't been to the sandbox at all... and perhaps that is why DH likes them. They don't remind him of being there... Also, they are the only friends whom I have never met... so I think that being around them makes it easier to completely escape his life here with me...
He talks about them some... but not in as much detail as he does about other friends. It seems that he wants to keep them separate from me...
I did end up talking to DH about this trip issue today... I told him how I felt, and also how I worried that this trip would cause him to have to start all over again when he came back. He always tells me to stop "psychologizing" him (I am in the mental health field). I really hate when he says that because I actually make it a point not to "psychologize" him, and I think that the points that I make are not unlike those any wife would make, mental health field or not. It is almost as if he uses that against me!
Anyhow, he told me that I have nothing to worry about when it comes to other women, and that he is not going there for that, he is going there to relax. He stated that it doesn't matter what his friends do, and that he makes his own choices. Despite all of this, I am still very worried about this.. plus, the trip is now going to be two full weeks! Things are going so well right now, and I would hate for them to go down hill because of this... Thanks for your feedback Rangersgirl : )
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