This is kind of self-indulgent.... No... nope... it is definitely self-indulgent!

I often wonder if Dh's doctor really understands him, or our relationship, in a complete way. I suppose I should just be trusting of the doctor, but I can't be for some reason. Perhaps it is because I am in the mental health field, and I know how some professionals can stereotype. I worry that they might mistake our relationship for something less than it is... something less worthy of being saved. I want the doctor to view our marriage as if it is as strong and rock solid as her own... because honestly it is/was! The only thing that the doctor has to go by is what Dh tells her, and right now, that might not be much.

As I thought about how I wanted the doctor to know... I thought about how I wanted you to know too. Things have so often focused on our relationship now that Dh has PTSD, that you may have little idea of what our relationship was like before, and actually why I am struggling so to keep this marriage afloat.

So here goes... sort of an auto-biography of our relationship if you will...

As with many loves, ours began through someone else... Dh was a mutual friend of mine and my then boyfriend all through high school. When that relationship came to an end during my senior year, I started spending more and more time with Dh. Our friendship had the air of love early on, and we soon started "going out,"... literally... we were so fun and outgoing! I really loved how Dh was up for anything. It was so cool to be with someone who is just as spontaneous, fun, and weird as I am! We did all kinds of fun and crazy things... from holding "sock races" down a local creek to staying up all night to watch meteor showers from the back of Dh's truck. I know...many relationships start out very fun and wild... and the sparks eventually wear off. But they didn't... not for Dh and I. This was how we were... always.. whether it was 5 months or 5 years into our relationship. Dh was the most genuine, loving, wonderful, honest, kind and caring individual I had ever met.

After graduating high school, both Dh and I began college. After two years and 9/11, Dh began talking about joining the Marine Corps. Dh felt very confidently about his decision, and I was supportive... After all, both my grandfathers and most of my uncles had served in the military... I was proud of them and I would be proud of Dh.

I got my first real taste of military life before Dh even left for boot camp! He would be scheduled to leave on one date, and then get pushed back at last minute. This happened probably six times. One time, he actually left... and after I hadn't heard from him as I expected when he got to the hotel, I called his mom's... and Dh answered the phone! They sent him back because someone else needed to go in his spot! But, we did eventually say goodbye, and he went away to boot camp.

While he was away, I went to Spain to study abroad for a month. The first time I got to hear his voice again was when he called my host family's cell phone. There I was, in a mini-van full of Spaniards, trying to speak to him for the first time in months. They spoke no English, but they knew that it was my boyfriend and they kept smiling at me every time I said the word "love," haha... lots of smiles!

I will never forget when Dh and I saw each other for the first time after I arrived home from Spain. It was our first "homecoming," and as I reflect on it now, I realize that he was waiting for me that time ... funny! I asked Dh to wear his cammies... and I just melted when I saw him. The cammies remain my fav of all the uniforms, although the Marine dress blues provide some stiff competition.

We had a long distance relationship for a little over a year after Dh joined the Marines... but after five years of dating and my being close to finishing my undergrad... we were ready to get married. Dh and I actually decided together that we would plan a wedding before he deployed the first time in 2003. That deployment was tough. I was finishing up my last semester doing an internship at a hospital. I remember seeing everyone gathered around the TV as "Shock and Awe" titled the bottom of the screen. It scared me to see huge groups gathered around the TVs like that.. but I got through my days and I was lucky enough to get phone calls in the middle of the night : )

Throughout that deployment, I planned our wedding. There were a few times that I wondered if Dh would be back in time! He made it, and it was awesome. I felt the most calm and serene feeling as I approached the church to marry Dh... I had no fear, no cold feet, no nerves...I felt nothing but joy. I just knew I was doing the right thing. Although our wedding was such a blur as we talked to so many friends and relatives, I remember Dh perfectly. It is almost like my memory consists of all these little video clips of that day, and they are all of Dh and I. The honeymoon was a dream, and so was getting settled into our first place. This was probably the best month of my life.

As Dh and I settled into our new life together, things were exciting and happy. I did notice that Dh was less sensitive and more easily angered, but I attributed this to growing up and becoming a man in the military. Our relationship was not drastically affected, and we loved being married. We loved to play... although it may sound childish, we loved to pick on each other, play wrestle...etc. We had lots of fun just being together. We saw all of the sites that there was to see in our new location, and spent time with our new friends. We got used to the military life, and we liked it : )

A while went by, and Dh was deployed again. It was agonizing to say goodbye to him, but I held it together, as I always do... until I got back to our apartment anyway! This deployment, I went back home to stay with my family while I went to grad school. This time, Dh and I had only a few phone calls, but lots of email. I was on my email constantly, hoping to get a message from Dh... and he sent them every chance he could. Classes made the deployment go fast (as far as deployments go anyway), and before I knew it... it was time for the homecoming, which again, was amazing... (As I type this I think, "how could a homecoming not be amazing?" but I'm quickly reminded of our most recent one as described in Nutshell).

And still, things were ok. Dh and I had to do the long distance thing again while I finished grad school... no biggie. He soon finished his enlistment with the Marine Corps, moved home, and then reenlisted with the Air National Guard. It was so awesome to have him home. We got to do all of those things that we love to do in our hometown all summer long... camping, festivals, picnics, holidays with family... I finally had my husband back... for good... almost. He would attend a three month training in the Spring... but that was nothing compared to the kind of separations we had been through... and our relationship was strong, this training would be nothing for us (so I thought).

Christmas came... I remember Dh wearing this Santa hat. The way that he wore it was just too funny, he looked like a Marine wearing a Santa hat...the way that it sat upon his head like a cover of some sort! We laughed and cooked Christmas Eve dinner together. Dh and I love to cook together... it's a hobby that we have always shared. I love the memory of that night, we were SO happy. Christmas or not, we have always been the kind of people that are just happy to be in one another's company.

Soon after, Dh left for training this past January. I cried as he left...again. I welcomed my beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely note from Dh for Valentine's Day... again. It was my third year in a row without a physical Valentine, but I was fine with that. I never get too carried away over Valentine's day. But, I do still carry the note that Dh sent with the flowers in my purse... it reminds me that he loves me even if he can't feel it now because of the emotional numbness.

And that brings us to Nutshell. I'm not sure why I felt the need to spend a couple of hours writing this post... I think that it just felt good to remember happy times... or perhaps I just had one too many glasses of wine! I did want you all to know about the kind of relationship that Dh and I had, and why it's worth fighting for... but I'm not so sure that this post even served that purpose... as the best parts of our relationship don't translate into words. Maybe I just needed to remind myself of why I'm fighting so hard... because it just gets so darn hard sometimes. And if that's the case, then this post was just what I needed!

Also, I hope Dh's doctor is reading this blog! : )