Monday, June 30, 2008
Aloha
It's my sister's 21st birthday tomorrow and we are having a Hawaiian-themed party for her. So far, we are rocking this Oriental Trading style with some plastic leis and grass skirts : ) I am also heading out to the shopette, which is like a commissary and exchange combined but on a MUCH smaller scale... (which should really just be called a liquor store because this is primarily what the inventory consists of) to get the necessary items for the frozen drinks. Although authenticity seems to have went by the wayside at this point, I was just wondering if anyone had any fun ideas for this type of party?
This sure isn't Fox News!
Control is an important factor in the world of PTSD. In much of the research I've done, it is apparent that the person suffering from PTSD often feels out of control. This makes sense to me... as I can only imagine how out of control I would feel if I was experiencing intrusive thoughts, emotional numbing, memory loss, a need to be on guard...etc. In turn, a positive and freeing approach to dealing with someone with PTSD is to give them as much control over their own life as possible. I have found it very helpful to communicate with Dh in such a way that he has options and control in the situation. In fact, things really seemed to turn around for us when I began intentionally communicating with him in this way.
While this has been very helpful for Dh, it can often be difficult for me. I feel as of this is our marriage, and I too need to have at least some control... and right now, I feel as if I have none. Everything... our future together... is lying in Dh's hands... which are now swimming through the ocean with some ass of a friend in Florida.
In the research, it stresses that the spouse should redirect control to the self. I should also reduce my dependency on Dh. For example, I take control of my own counseling treatment plan, and let Dh handle his own. I should not rely on Dh to make me happy... I should make myself happy. Although it makes sense for Dh's PTSD treatment, how realistic is this for a marriage? Dh and I chose to live our lives together, and I feel that when two people do that, they do become dependent on one another to an extent. Sure, people could have separate finances, jobs, friends...etc. But when you are married to someone, how are you not emotionally dependent on them in any way?
It is really tough to completely let go of all control of the situation when Dh is procrastinating about making a counseling appointment, and that appointment lends to my future too. I mean... how much can I really let go? How selfless do I need to be? Apparently, very selfless... and believe me, I am willing to be selfless to save our marriage because it's worth that.
It's just not "fair and balanced."
While this has been very helpful for Dh, it can often be difficult for me. I feel as of this is our marriage, and I too need to have at least some control... and right now, I feel as if I have none. Everything... our future together... is lying in Dh's hands... which are now swimming through the ocean with some ass of a friend in Florida.
In the research, it stresses that the spouse should redirect control to the self. I should also reduce my dependency on Dh. For example, I take control of my own counseling treatment plan, and let Dh handle his own. I should not rely on Dh to make me happy... I should make myself happy. Although it makes sense for Dh's PTSD treatment, how realistic is this for a marriage? Dh and I chose to live our lives together, and I feel that when two people do that, they do become dependent on one another to an extent. Sure, people could have separate finances, jobs, friends...etc. But when you are married to someone, how are you not emotionally dependent on them in any way?
It is really tough to completely let go of all control of the situation when Dh is procrastinating about making a counseling appointment, and that appointment lends to my future too. I mean... how much can I really let go? How selfless do I need to be? Apparently, very selfless... and believe me, I am willing to be selfless to save our marriage because it's worth that.
It's just not "fair and balanced."
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I'm giving myself a BWI (Blogging While Intoxicated)
WOW! So this is what happens when you blog after a couple glasses of wine! I suppose that I will let it stand... There is really no sense in taking it back... Plus, it felt good to get it out : ) I promise that I won't make it a habit!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
This is kind of self-indulgent.... No... nope... it is definitely self-indulgent!
I often wonder if Dh's doctor really understands him, or our relationship, in a complete way. I suppose I should just be trusting of the doctor, but I can't be for some reason. Perhaps it is because I am in the mental health field, and I know how some professionals can stereotype. I worry that they might mistake our relationship for something less than it is... something less worthy of being saved. I want the doctor to view our marriage as if it is as strong and rock solid as her own... because honestly it is/was! The only thing that the doctor has to go by is what Dh tells her, and right now, that might not be much.
As I thought about how I wanted the doctor to know... I thought about how I wanted you to know too. Things have so often focused on our relationship now that Dh has PTSD, that you may have little idea of what our relationship was like before, and actually why I am struggling so to keep this marriage afloat.
So here goes... sort of an auto-biography of our relationship if you will...
As with many loves, ours began through someone else... Dh was a mutual friend of mine and my then boyfriend all through high school. When that relationship came to an end during my senior year, I started spending more and more time with Dh. Our friendship had the air of love early on, and we soon started "going out,"... literally... we were so fun and outgoing! I really loved how Dh was up for anything. It was so cool to be with someone who is just as spontaneous, fun, and weird as I am! We did all kinds of fun and crazy things... from holding "sock races" down a local creek to staying up all night to watch meteor showers from the back of Dh's truck. I know...many relationships start out very fun and wild... and the sparks eventually wear off. But they didn't... not for Dh and I. This was how we were... always.. whether it was 5 months or 5 years into our relationship. Dh was the most genuine, loving, wonderful, honest, kind and caring individual I had ever met.
After graduating high school, both Dh and I began college. After two years and 9/11, Dh began talking about joining the Marine Corps. Dh felt very confidently about his decision, and I was supportive... After all, both my grandfathers and most of my uncles had served in the military... I was proud of them and I would be proud of Dh.
I got my first real taste of military life before Dh even left for boot camp! He would be scheduled to leave on one date, and then get pushed back at last minute. This happened probably six times. One time, he actually left... and after I hadn't heard from him as I expected when he got to the hotel, I called his mom's... and Dh answered the phone! They sent him back because someone else needed to go in his spot! But, we did eventually say goodbye, and he went away to boot camp.
While he was away, I went to Spain to study abroad for a month. The first time I got to hear his voice again was when he called my host family's cell phone. There I was, in a mini-van full of Spaniards, trying to speak to him for the first time in months. They spoke no English, but they knew that it was my boyfriend and they kept smiling at me every time I said the word "love," haha... lots of smiles!
I will never forget when Dh and I saw each other for the first time after I arrived home from Spain. It was our first "homecoming," and as I reflect on it now, I realize that he was waiting for me that time ... funny! I asked Dh to wear his cammies... and I just melted when I saw him. The cammies remain my fav of all the uniforms, although the Marine dress blues provide some stiff competition.
We had a long distance relationship for a little over a year after Dh joined the Marines... but after five years of dating and my being close to finishing my undergrad... we were ready to get married. Dh and I actually decided together that we would plan a wedding before he deployed the first time in 2003. That deployment was tough. I was finishing up my last semester doing an internship at a hospital. I remember seeing everyone gathered around the TV as "Shock and Awe" titled the bottom of the screen. It scared me to see huge groups gathered around the TVs like that.. but I got through my days and I was lucky enough to get phone calls in the middle of the night : )
Throughout that deployment, I planned our wedding. There were a few times that I wondered if Dh would be back in time! He made it, and it was awesome. I felt the most calm and serene feeling as I approached the church to marry Dh... I had no fear, no cold feet, no nerves...I felt nothing but joy. I just knew I was doing the right thing. Although our wedding was such a blur as we talked to so many friends and relatives, I remember Dh perfectly. It is almost like my memory consists of all these little video clips of that day, and they are all of Dh and I. The honeymoon was a dream, and so was getting settled into our first place. This was probably the best month of my life.
As Dh and I settled into our new life together, things were exciting and happy. I did notice that Dh was less sensitive and more easily angered, but I attributed this to growing up and becoming a man in the military. Our relationship was not drastically affected, and we loved being married. We loved to play... although it may sound childish, we loved to pick on each other, play wrestle...etc. We had lots of fun just being together. We saw all of the sites that there was to see in our new location, and spent time with our new friends. We got used to the military life, and we liked it : )
A while went by, and Dh was deployed again. It was agonizing to say goodbye to him, but I held it together, as I always do... until I got back to our apartment anyway! This deployment, I went back home to stay with my family while I went to grad school. This time, Dh and I had only a few phone calls, but lots of email. I was on my email constantly, hoping to get a message from Dh... and he sent them every chance he could. Classes made the deployment go fast (as far as deployments go anyway), and before I knew it... it was time for the homecoming, which again, was amazing... (As I type this I think, "how could a homecoming not be amazing?" but I'm quickly reminded of our most recent one as described in Nutshell).
And still, things were ok. Dh and I had to do the long distance thing again while I finished grad school... no biggie. He soon finished his enlistment with the Marine Corps, moved home, and then reenlisted with the Air National Guard. It was so awesome to have him home. We got to do all of those things that we love to do in our hometown all summer long... camping, festivals, picnics, holidays with family... I finally had my husband back... for good... almost. He would attend a three month training in the Spring... but that was nothing compared to the kind of separations we had been through... and our relationship was strong, this training would be nothing for us (so I thought).
Christmas came... I remember Dh wearing this Santa hat. The way that he wore it was just too funny, he looked like a Marine wearing a Santa hat...the way that it sat upon his head like a cover of some sort! We laughed and cooked Christmas Eve dinner together. Dh and I love to cook together... it's a hobby that we have always shared. I love the memory of that night, we were SO happy. Christmas or not, we have always been the kind of people that are just happy to be in one another's company.
Soon after, Dh left for training this past January. I cried as he left...again. I welcomed my beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely note from Dh for Valentine's Day... again. It was my third year in a row without a physical Valentine, but I was fine with that. I never get too carried away over Valentine's day. But, I do still carry the note that Dh sent with the flowers in my purse... it reminds me that he loves me even if he can't feel it now because of the emotional numbness.
And that brings us to Nutshell. I'm not sure why I felt the need to spend a couple of hours writing this post... I think that it just felt good to remember happy times... or perhaps I just had one too many glasses of wine! I did want you all to know about the kind of relationship that Dh and I had, and why it's worth fighting for... but I'm not so sure that this post even served that purpose... as the best parts of our relationship don't translate into words. Maybe I just needed to remind myself of why I'm fighting so hard... because it just gets so darn hard sometimes. And if that's the case, then this post was just what I needed!
Also, I hope Dh's doctor is reading this blog! : )
As I thought about how I wanted the doctor to know... I thought about how I wanted you to know too. Things have so often focused on our relationship now that Dh has PTSD, that you may have little idea of what our relationship was like before, and actually why I am struggling so to keep this marriage afloat.
So here goes... sort of an auto-biography of our relationship if you will...
As with many loves, ours began through someone else... Dh was a mutual friend of mine and my then boyfriend all through high school. When that relationship came to an end during my senior year, I started spending more and more time with Dh. Our friendship had the air of love early on, and we soon started "going out,"... literally... we were so fun and outgoing! I really loved how Dh was up for anything. It was so cool to be with someone who is just as spontaneous, fun, and weird as I am! We did all kinds of fun and crazy things... from holding "sock races" down a local creek to staying up all night to watch meteor showers from the back of Dh's truck. I know...many relationships start out very fun and wild... and the sparks eventually wear off. But they didn't... not for Dh and I. This was how we were... always.. whether it was 5 months or 5 years into our relationship. Dh was the most genuine, loving, wonderful, honest, kind and caring individual I had ever met.
After graduating high school, both Dh and I began college. After two years and 9/11, Dh began talking about joining the Marine Corps. Dh felt very confidently about his decision, and I was supportive... After all, both my grandfathers and most of my uncles had served in the military... I was proud of them and I would be proud of Dh.
I got my first real taste of military life before Dh even left for boot camp! He would be scheduled to leave on one date, and then get pushed back at last minute. This happened probably six times. One time, he actually left... and after I hadn't heard from him as I expected when he got to the hotel, I called his mom's... and Dh answered the phone! They sent him back because someone else needed to go in his spot! But, we did eventually say goodbye, and he went away to boot camp.
While he was away, I went to Spain to study abroad for a month. The first time I got to hear his voice again was when he called my host family's cell phone. There I was, in a mini-van full of Spaniards, trying to speak to him for the first time in months. They spoke no English, but they knew that it was my boyfriend and they kept smiling at me every time I said the word "love," haha... lots of smiles!
I will never forget when Dh and I saw each other for the first time after I arrived home from Spain. It was our first "homecoming," and as I reflect on it now, I realize that he was waiting for me that time ... funny! I asked Dh to wear his cammies... and I just melted when I saw him. The cammies remain my fav of all the uniforms, although the Marine dress blues provide some stiff competition.
We had a long distance relationship for a little over a year after Dh joined the Marines... but after five years of dating and my being close to finishing my undergrad... we were ready to get married. Dh and I actually decided together that we would plan a wedding before he deployed the first time in 2003. That deployment was tough. I was finishing up my last semester doing an internship at a hospital. I remember seeing everyone gathered around the TV as "Shock and Awe" titled the bottom of the screen. It scared me to see huge groups gathered around the TVs like that.. but I got through my days and I was lucky enough to get phone calls in the middle of the night : )
Throughout that deployment, I planned our wedding. There were a few times that I wondered if Dh would be back in time! He made it, and it was awesome. I felt the most calm and serene feeling as I approached the church to marry Dh... I had no fear, no cold feet, no nerves...I felt nothing but joy. I just knew I was doing the right thing. Although our wedding was such a blur as we talked to so many friends and relatives, I remember Dh perfectly. It is almost like my memory consists of all these little video clips of that day, and they are all of Dh and I. The honeymoon was a dream, and so was getting settled into our first place. This was probably the best month of my life.
As Dh and I settled into our new life together, things were exciting and happy. I did notice that Dh was less sensitive and more easily angered, but I attributed this to growing up and becoming a man in the military. Our relationship was not drastically affected, and we loved being married. We loved to play... although it may sound childish, we loved to pick on each other, play wrestle...etc. We had lots of fun just being together. We saw all of the sites that there was to see in our new location, and spent time with our new friends. We got used to the military life, and we liked it : )
A while went by, and Dh was deployed again. It was agonizing to say goodbye to him, but I held it together, as I always do... until I got back to our apartment anyway! This deployment, I went back home to stay with my family while I went to grad school. This time, Dh and I had only a few phone calls, but lots of email. I was on my email constantly, hoping to get a message from Dh... and he sent them every chance he could. Classes made the deployment go fast (as far as deployments go anyway), and before I knew it... it was time for the homecoming, which again, was amazing... (As I type this I think, "how could a homecoming not be amazing?" but I'm quickly reminded of our most recent one as described in Nutshell).
And still, things were ok. Dh and I had to do the long distance thing again while I finished grad school... no biggie. He soon finished his enlistment with the Marine Corps, moved home, and then reenlisted with the Air National Guard. It was so awesome to have him home. We got to do all of those things that we love to do in our hometown all summer long... camping, festivals, picnics, holidays with family... I finally had my husband back... for good... almost. He would attend a three month training in the Spring... but that was nothing compared to the kind of separations we had been through... and our relationship was strong, this training would be nothing for us (so I thought).
Christmas came... I remember Dh wearing this Santa hat. The way that he wore it was just too funny, he looked like a Marine wearing a Santa hat...the way that it sat upon his head like a cover of some sort! We laughed and cooked Christmas Eve dinner together. Dh and I love to cook together... it's a hobby that we have always shared. I love the memory of that night, we were SO happy. Christmas or not, we have always been the kind of people that are just happy to be in one another's company.
Soon after, Dh left for training this past January. I cried as he left...again. I welcomed my beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely note from Dh for Valentine's Day... again. It was my third year in a row without a physical Valentine, but I was fine with that. I never get too carried away over Valentine's day. But, I do still carry the note that Dh sent with the flowers in my purse... it reminds me that he loves me even if he can't feel it now because of the emotional numbness.
And that brings us to Nutshell. I'm not sure why I felt the need to spend a couple of hours writing this post... I think that it just felt good to remember happy times... or perhaps I just had one too many glasses of wine! I did want you all to know about the kind of relationship that Dh and I had, and why it's worth fighting for... but I'm not so sure that this post even served that purpose... as the best parts of our relationship don't translate into words. Maybe I just needed to remind myself of why I'm fighting so hard... because it just gets so darn hard sometimes. And if that's the case, then this post was just what I needed!
Also, I hope Dh's doctor is reading this blog! : )
Friday, June 27, 2008
5¢ Confession: Happy People
At the mall... going for a walk... on TV... mini-golfing (as I drive by)... happy people are everywhere! And yes, I am happy for them... but I'm simultaneously jealous! I would love to go for a romantic stroll with Dh (lots of kisses included)! But, at this point in our lives, it's just not going to happen... It's been almost 7 months since I've got to do that (because of Dh's training piggybacked by the PTSD). Although we've gone this long before without a physical relationship due to deployments and such... we were still "happy"... we still had a romantic relationship. I miss all of that.
Perhaps I am just being hypersensitive, but it seems that there is love in the air everywhere I go! ...Yet I remain in this anti-love bubble! I can't get through Wal*Mart without driving my cart around couples holding hands, hugging... it is as if it's some cruel gauntlet!
If your happy... good for you... I can't wait to become part of your club again. Maybe I could at least have a guest pass for now? ; )
Perhaps I am just being hypersensitive, but it seems that there is love in the air everywhere I go! ...Yet I remain in this anti-love bubble! I can't get through Wal*Mart without driving my cart around couples holding hands, hugging... it is as if it's some cruel gauntlet!
If your happy... good for you... I can't wait to become part of your club again. Maybe I could at least have a guest pass for now? ; )
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Worrying Ahead of Time
Dh's impending trip has really got me in a funk. I look back on the previous post, and I was full of optimism. Today, I'm just worrying. I'm really worried that Dh will lose all the progress that he has made thus far. There have been times lately that I see little pieces of "the real Dh" come out, and I love that... I love it for him and I love it for the both of us. It has taken so much to come this far, and it would be such a shame to lose it all... and considering the condition that Dh is in right now, the two week trip provides plenty of time to facilitate that loss.
As I really think about all of this, I realize that it's not just Dh that I'm worried about... it's me... and really, us. Just as I felt excitement about our future in the previous post, I feel worried about it today. I mean, it's not just Dh succumbing to his PTSD, it's the life we had planned together. The camping trips, being silly with one another, the babies we planned to have... Maybe I'm thinking irrationally, or giving this trip too much weight, ... but these are my honest feelings and concerns.
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one that worries about things ahead of time...
As I really think about all of this, I realize that it's not just Dh that I'm worried about... it's me... and really, us. Just as I felt excitement about our future in the previous post, I feel worried about it today. I mean, it's not just Dh succumbing to his PTSD, it's the life we had planned together. The camping trips, being silly with one another, the babies we planned to have... Maybe I'm thinking irrationally, or giving this trip too much weight, ... but these are my honest feelings and concerns.
I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one that worries about things ahead of time...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Flip Side of the Coin
Since the beginning of April, I have been a researching machine... delving into every PTSD article I can get my hands on. Perhaps it gives some method to the madness...
As I perused an article recently, I had a thought that had yet to cross my mind thus far... What if Dh and I have a better relationship for having gone through this? This seemingly basic thought had really yet to enter my mind. I was so focused on what a horrible thing this is for both of us, that I hadn't really thought about the flip side of the coin... the shiny and pretty side!
Although Dh and I do have a very strong relationship that provides the foundation that is holding us together at this point, there are things that could have been better in our marriage. I tried to control too much, while Dh really did not provide me with as much love and support as I needed. Military spouses are tough cookies, and sometimes I think that we get so used to our extra burdens that we don't notice, or let it slip by, when things are a little off... And as for Dh, I am now learning that it was a struggle for him just to keep himself together, let alone our marriage.
The great thing that I am coming to realize is that Dh and I have this awesome opportunity to fill in our gaps... We are also finding out how the gaps got there in the first place, and what we can do to prevent them from happening again.
It feels so good to look forward to the future of our marriage again.
As I perused an article recently, I had a thought that had yet to cross my mind thus far... What if Dh and I have a better relationship for having gone through this? This seemingly basic thought had really yet to enter my mind. I was so focused on what a horrible thing this is for both of us, that I hadn't really thought about the flip side of the coin... the shiny and pretty side!
Although Dh and I do have a very strong relationship that provides the foundation that is holding us together at this point, there are things that could have been better in our marriage. I tried to control too much, while Dh really did not provide me with as much love and support as I needed. Military spouses are tough cookies, and sometimes I think that we get so used to our extra burdens that we don't notice, or let it slip by, when things are a little off... And as for Dh, I am now learning that it was a struggle for him just to keep himself together, let alone our marriage.
The great thing that I am coming to realize is that Dh and I have this awesome opportunity to fill in our gaps... We are also finding out how the gaps got there in the first place, and what we can do to prevent them from happening again.
It feels so good to look forward to the future of our marriage again.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Wayne & Garth, Bert & Ernie, Laverne & Shirley... BF & I
I love my best friend. She is absolutely, positively fantastic. I always say that she is my soul-mate of a friend because I think that we are just meant to be friends in this life. We have so much in common... we are both vegetarians (I swear we have the same taste buds), we love the same music, same hobbies, and even the same clothes. I once came home to visit when Dh and I lived away, and she and I were wearing the same coat, boots, and sweater when we met for dinner. You probably get it by now... she not just a great friend, she is my sister from another mother.
So, as things became worse with Dh, I knew that I had a friend that I could count on. I cannot say that she has disappointed me in this respect, but I do feel that she could be there for me a little more. Dh went to stay at his mom's over three weeks ago, and I haven't even seen her. We live in the same town...10 minutes apart. She has been there on the phone when I call her, but I just find it strange that she rarely calls and hasn't really made an effort to spend any time with me. I know that she is a busy gal, but damn, my husband just left.
I can only hypothesize on this, but from what I gather when I talk to my BF, she seems to be angry with Dh. She loves me, and she is angry with him for hurting me. BF is a very intelligent person, and I have talked with her about PTSD, the symptoms, and how Dh's symptoms fit perfectly with his diagnosis. It seems that BF thinks that this PTSD thing is a load of crap. Her advice often sounds like, "Well, you are his WIFE, and you just need to tell him that he needs to come home." I explain that the situation and symptoms of PTSD prevent me from having that sort of control... and she just seems to think that I'm taking crap that I shouldn't be.
I know that I am carrying our marriage right now, and no.. it's not right, it's not fair, and it certainly sucks. I have never been one to let myself be thrown under the bus. However, in this situation, I feel that my choices are either that I do carry our marriage while Dh and I both get counseling to better the situation, or I give up. And the latter certainly isn't my style...
I am a strong woman, as is BF. I think that perhaps she thinks that I am being weak in this particular situation, but in reality, this is taking more strength than I ever knew that I had in me.
I really love and need my best friend right now more than ever... any ideas on how to remedy this one?
So, as things became worse with Dh, I knew that I had a friend that I could count on. I cannot say that she has disappointed me in this respect, but I do feel that she could be there for me a little more. Dh went to stay at his mom's over three weeks ago, and I haven't even seen her. We live in the same town...10 minutes apart. She has been there on the phone when I call her, but I just find it strange that she rarely calls and hasn't really made an effort to spend any time with me. I know that she is a busy gal, but damn, my husband just left.
I can only hypothesize on this, but from what I gather when I talk to my BF, she seems to be angry with Dh. She loves me, and she is angry with him for hurting me. BF is a very intelligent person, and I have talked with her about PTSD, the symptoms, and how Dh's symptoms fit perfectly with his diagnosis. It seems that BF thinks that this PTSD thing is a load of crap. Her advice often sounds like, "Well, you are his WIFE, and you just need to tell him that he needs to come home." I explain that the situation and symptoms of PTSD prevent me from having that sort of control... and she just seems to think that I'm taking crap that I shouldn't be.
I know that I am carrying our marriage right now, and no.. it's not right, it's not fair, and it certainly sucks. I have never been one to let myself be thrown under the bus. However, in this situation, I feel that my choices are either that I do carry our marriage while Dh and I both get counseling to better the situation, or I give up. And the latter certainly isn't my style...
I am a strong woman, as is BF. I think that perhaps she thinks that I am being weak in this particular situation, but in reality, this is taking more strength than I ever knew that I had in me.
I really love and need my best friend right now more than ever... any ideas on how to remedy this one?
I'm a library nerd! ...again
Now that I am all done with grad school, I find myself with lots of extra time on my hands... What to do with all of this time you might ask? I am rediscovering my local library! I have recently rented several books and DVDs, and I feel like I am getting a great deal! It is not as if the library had fallen off the face of the planet... it's been here all along. What happened was that I fell into the major franchise bookstore trap! Why am I going to Barnes and Noble and paying to read things that I can read for free? This whole thing is not unlike paying several dollars for a bottled water... I am putting my foot down! Money is tight, and I am no longer paying for things I can get for free!
Also, the library even has their own cat... one up on B & N!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Uninvited Houseguest!
Yikes! I was on the phone with one of my good friends when my sister did one of those whisper/yell kind of things letting me know that Dh's cousin is downstairs! He decided to stop by for a surprise visit!
It was really very kind of him, but it was terrible for me! It would have been fine if Dh's extended family knew about the PTSD and Dh staying with his mom for a while.... but they don't. Dh seems to want to keep things a secret from those we don't really interact with on a regular basis... and I almost take that as a good sign at this point because it may mean that he doesn't view this as a permanent thing. That particular part of the extended family would also have a field day knowing about all of this, so we thought it better not to say anything.
I must also mention that I am absolutely the worst liar there ever was. I am the person who ruins jokes that people play on others because I am so bad at going along with it... I am also the person who accidentally brings a paper clip home from the office, and has to bring it back... and I am just too darn honest! So, when I finally approached Dh's cousin, I wouldn't be surprised if he knew something was up because I'm such a freak! Things went something like this:
Me: Hello, cousin, how are you? It's so good to see you!
Cousin: Hey, good, is Dh around?
Me: mmmm , noooo, he is over at his mom's helping her do something.
Cousin: Oh! Are they home? I will just stop by there...
Me: mmmm, I don't think they're home, they went to pick something up in Stillville. They needed to use Dh's truck because they have a small car, I'm not sure when they will be back.
Cousin: Well, I will give you my number, and then Dh can call me when he gets back...
Me: Ok..
Cousin: It's on you now! haha!
Me: :nervous chuckle:
It was really very kind of him, but it was terrible for me! It would have been fine if Dh's extended family knew about the PTSD and Dh staying with his mom for a while.... but they don't. Dh seems to want to keep things a secret from those we don't really interact with on a regular basis... and I almost take that as a good sign at this point because it may mean that he doesn't view this as a permanent thing. That particular part of the extended family would also have a field day knowing about all of this, so we thought it better not to say anything.
I must also mention that I am absolutely the worst liar there ever was. I am the person who ruins jokes that people play on others because I am so bad at going along with it... I am also the person who accidentally brings a paper clip home from the office, and has to bring it back... and I am just too darn honest! So, when I finally approached Dh's cousin, I wouldn't be surprised if he knew something was up because I'm such a freak! Things went something like this:
Me: Hello, cousin, how are you? It's so good to see you!
Cousin: Hey, good, is Dh around?
Me: mmmm , noooo, he is over at his mom's helping her do something.
Cousin: Oh! Are they home? I will just stop by there...
Me: mmmm, I don't think they're home, they went to pick something up in Stillville. They needed to use Dh's truck because they have a small car, I'm not sure when they will be back.
Cousin: Well, I will give you my number, and then Dh can call me when he gets back...
Me: Ok..
Cousin: It's on you now! haha!
Me: :nervous chuckle:
Friday, June 20, 2008
Get it out!
"I read a study related to PTSD - - why did journalists who were embedded with combat troops fair better than the troops themselves? The study found it was because the journalists had an outlet for what they had experienced and could process it - - get it out." ~Part of Rangersgirl's response to my 5¢ Confessions post.
When Rangersgirl posted this response... I thought it was so interesting and made perfect sense! It also reminded me of a recent conversation that I had with a Vietnam Veteran. We were talking about World War II, and about how things were so much different for service members and families during that war. This gentleman spoke about how many World War II Veterans came home with issues like PTSD, but often times they were not as severe as what we see in service members today. The reason for this? During those times, service members were transported by ship. They spent a month or two at sea before returning home. And what happened during those months? They talked! They got it all out! So, by the time they actually arrived home they had done so much processing with one another that many of those Veterans felt ready to return to their families.
Now, the transition happens so quickly for most service members... they go from war to family in a matter of days. I know that flying is more practical... but if it had meant that DH had a better chance of being OK when he came home, I wouldn't have minded those extra months at sea : )
When Rangersgirl posted this response... I thought it was so interesting and made perfect sense! It also reminded me of a recent conversation that I had with a Vietnam Veteran. We were talking about World War II, and about how things were so much different for service members and families during that war. This gentleman spoke about how many World War II Veterans came home with issues like PTSD, but often times they were not as severe as what we see in service members today. The reason for this? During those times, service members were transported by ship. They spent a month or two at sea before returning home. And what happened during those months? They talked! They got it all out! So, by the time they actually arrived home they had done so much processing with one another that many of those Veterans felt ready to return to their families.
Now, the transition happens so quickly for most service members... they go from war to family in a matter of days. I know that flying is more practical... but if it had meant that DH had a better chance of being OK when he came home, I wouldn't have minded those extra months at sea : )
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The Wrong Crowd
Once in a while when I was younger, my mom would say, "I don't know what it is about him, but I just don't like him." There would be a friend that would give off some kind of negative vibe, and she would be reluctant to allow me to hang out with that person... etc.
Well, I am getting the same feeling from some of DH's friends that he met while he was away at training. They are his only friends that have never met me, and it seems that perhaps they could be the only friends that are supportive of his leaving...etc. I also don't think that they are fully aware of DH's PTSD and how that affects him.
The story I really haven't told until now is that after DH paid that terrible phone call on that cold Wednesday afternoon, he didn't call me until almost a week later. He spent all of that time on vacation with his friends that he had met while at training. That week was awful for me. I had just been given the most horrible news I have received thus far in my life, that my husband no longer loves me and may want a divorce, and then I couldn't even talk to him! It seemed incredibly selfish of him at the time, but I know now that it is all part of his diagnosis... lack of feeling/caring, avoidance...etc.
Anyway, I don't think that that week did him any good. I later found out that his friend had met a girl while they were there, despite having a very nice girlfriend of his own. They also did lots of going out and drinking, which is out of character for DH. DH has never been one to be swayed by the crowd, but as of lately, I don't know. When DH returned, it took him a while to even get adjusted to being here rather than with these friends and living that lifestyle. He talked about our hometown and our life as being boring..etc. when he couldn't wait to get back before.
So tonight, DH tells me that he wants to go on vacation with these friends again for a week and a half. Inside, I was like, exploding. On the outside I said, "Oh, really?" I mean, we have no money to spend on this, and more importantly, I think that this may cause him to regress... all of the progress he has made thus far would be for naught. He said he wants the vacation to relax, but if this is so, then he should take a vacation to visit some of his best friends. To me, this vacation spells out avoidance with a capital A... avoiding the life that he has here.
Unfortunately, I don't think that I have much control in this situation. DH is already at his parent's home. If he wants to go, he will go. I can fight him about it and he will go mad at me, or I can let him make his own decision without trying to get in his way, and perhaps he will keep the communication open while he is there. I will give him some of my thoughts on the idea, but I won't fight with him over it at this point.
It sucks to feel so powerless... They always say that the person least invested in the relationship has the most control...
Update:
Well, I am getting the same feeling from some of DH's friends that he met while he was away at training. They are his only friends that have never met me, and it seems that perhaps they could be the only friends that are supportive of his leaving...etc. I also don't think that they are fully aware of DH's PTSD and how that affects him.
The story I really haven't told until now is that after DH paid that terrible phone call on that cold Wednesday afternoon, he didn't call me until almost a week later. He spent all of that time on vacation with his friends that he had met while at training. That week was awful for me. I had just been given the most horrible news I have received thus far in my life, that my husband no longer loves me and may want a divorce, and then I couldn't even talk to him! It seemed incredibly selfish of him at the time, but I know now that it is all part of his diagnosis... lack of feeling/caring, avoidance...etc.
Anyway, I don't think that that week did him any good. I later found out that his friend had met a girl while they were there, despite having a very nice girlfriend of his own. They also did lots of going out and drinking, which is out of character for DH. DH has never been one to be swayed by the crowd, but as of lately, I don't know. When DH returned, it took him a while to even get adjusted to being here rather than with these friends and living that lifestyle. He talked about our hometown and our life as being boring..etc. when he couldn't wait to get back before.
So tonight, DH tells me that he wants to go on vacation with these friends again for a week and a half. Inside, I was like, exploding. On the outside I said, "Oh, really?" I mean, we have no money to spend on this, and more importantly, I think that this may cause him to regress... all of the progress he has made thus far would be for naught. He said he wants the vacation to relax, but if this is so, then he should take a vacation to visit some of his best friends. To me, this vacation spells out avoidance with a capital A... avoiding the life that he has here.
Unfortunately, I don't think that I have much control in this situation. DH is already at his parent's home. If he wants to go, he will go. I can fight him about it and he will go mad at me, or I can let him make his own decision without trying to get in his way, and perhaps he will keep the communication open while he is there. I will give him some of my thoughts on the idea, but I won't fight with him over it at this point.
It sucks to feel so powerless... They always say that the person least invested in the relationship has the most control...
Update:
DH told me that he has made the decision to go on the trip. It won't be for a week and a half, it will be for two whole weeks. F*ING AWESOME. There will surely be more to come on this topic...
Goodbye diet.... hello DH!
I have been on a strict diet and exercising all week. It is always a constant struggle for me to keep weight off... However, when DH invited me for pizza tonight, there was no way I was turning him down!
The "date" itself actually went pretty well. Lots of great conversation, and DH even asked if I wanted to go for ice cream after (ha, and there was no way I was going to turn him down that time either)! We then took the ice cream to a park and sat and talked as we ate for another 45 minutes or so... it felt pretty good.
The "date" itself actually went pretty well. Lots of great conversation, and DH even asked if I wanted to go for ice cream after (ha, and there was no way I was going to turn him down that time either)! We then took the ice cream to a park and sat and talked as we ate for another 45 minutes or so... it felt pretty good.
Dating?
Straightening hair... switching outfits... applying make-up to perfection ... for DH? Of course I would do these things for DH before, but come on, after five years of marriage I think most of us know that this is not the every day occurrence. But now that DH is staying at his mom's house, I find that every time I know that I will be seeing him I am doing a fashion show in front of the mirror! As I type, I am awaiting a call from DH. I spoke to him just a few minutes ago and he invited me to get some pizza! This is a milestone...DH placing the invite.
As I wait and engage in all of this preparation, I really have this feeling like we are dating again?! It's so strange. It's exciting in some of the same ways, but still very different. I didn't do much dating back in the day since DH and I have been together since high school, but maybe this is something like dating a guy that isn't that into me? Perhaps I need to win him over? haha : ) ahhhh...the quandaries of trying to figure out this situation. Well... I just got the call, and he wants me to meet him there... kind of strange but I'll go with it... I'll give an update on the "date" later : )
As I wait and engage in all of this preparation, I really have this feeling like we are dating again?! It's so strange. It's exciting in some of the same ways, but still very different. I didn't do much dating back in the day since DH and I have been together since high school, but maybe this is something like dating a guy that isn't that into me? Perhaps I need to win him over? haha : ) ahhhh...the quandaries of trying to figure out this situation. Well... I just got the call, and he wants me to meet him there... kind of strange but I'll go with it... I'll give an update on the "date" later : )
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
5¢ Confession: Pity Party
I hate to be pitied. I hate when people feel bad for me, I hate when I feel bad for myself. This is probably why I don't like when my mom finds out I've been crying! It is also why this blog is such a release for me. I rarely go around talking about my own problems to friends... I would rather let my best friend tell me how her life is a disaster because she is having difficulty installing her microwave...when my husband just told me that he doesn't love me.
When I went to graduate school, we were often forced to share our feelings in a group. I know, forced is a strong word, but when your grade is depending on it, it really is being forced! Anyhow, DH was away at the time, and when it came my turn, I talked about missing him and the difficulty that distance can put on a relationship. I also shared how I hate to be pitied. Many responded saying that they felt bad for saying things like, "I feel so bad for you...etc." In turn, I felt bad! I didn't mean to shoot down the support that they may have offered.
What I wished I had said is that there is a DIFFERENCE between being supportive and pitying a person. Most of us can appreciate a friend who can just lend an ear... and this feels very different from when someone says, "How are youuuu doooingggg? (As they rub your arm and give you a sad face) I don't know how you do it, I never could. I just feel soooo bad for you. Hang in there." I can't count how many times I've been to that pity party while my husband was way! This is not to say that there isn't a fine line between the two, because often there is. For civilians, this line can be blurry. I think that they often do their best but sometimes just don't know what to say.
In my current situation, I find myself avoiding people that don't already know about DH, his moving out, and PTSD. I suppose that it's going to be a long and hard road, and I should probably find a better way to cope with that, but for now, it's just so much easier than being pitied!
When I went to graduate school, we were often forced to share our feelings in a group. I know, forced is a strong word, but when your grade is depending on it, it really is being forced! Anyhow, DH was away at the time, and when it came my turn, I talked about missing him and the difficulty that distance can put on a relationship. I also shared how I hate to be pitied. Many responded saying that they felt bad for saying things like, "I feel so bad for you...etc." In turn, I felt bad! I didn't mean to shoot down the support that they may have offered.
What I wished I had said is that there is a DIFFERENCE between being supportive and pitying a person. Most of us can appreciate a friend who can just lend an ear... and this feels very different from when someone says, "How are youuuu doooingggg? (As they rub your arm and give you a sad face) I don't know how you do it, I never could. I just feel soooo bad for you. Hang in there." I can't count how many times I've been to that pity party while my husband was way! This is not to say that there isn't a fine line between the two, because often there is. For civilians, this line can be blurry. I think that they often do their best but sometimes just don't know what to say.
In my current situation, I find myself avoiding people that don't already know about DH, his moving out, and PTSD. I suppose that it's going to be a long and hard road, and I should probably find a better way to cope with that, but for now, it's just so much easier than being pitied!
How do Moms always know?!?!
Last night after DH left I was feeling kind of down. I know, I should have been thrilled that he was even here... but instead, I was just feeling sad. When he comes over, it's great that he is just present. But when I watch him pull out of the driveway, it's a reminder that he isn't at home, and he won't be sleeping in our bed tonight. And not because the military has pulled him away, but because he doesn't want to...
So, my mom gets home and knocks on my door. I had cried maybe 20 minutes before she got home, but as soon as she opened the door she said, "You've been crying!" Ughhh! How does she always know! I mean, I wasn't puffy faced, red-nosed..anything! I guess moms just have a way of knowing...
So, my mom gets home and knocks on my door. I had cried maybe 20 minutes before she got home, but as soon as she opened the door she said, "You've been crying!" Ughhh! How does she always know! I mean, I wasn't puffy faced, red-nosed..anything! I guess moms just have a way of knowing...
5¢ Confessions
When all of this started, I thought to myself, "How am I even going to make it through the day?" I feel incredibly selfish even typing that. I have always been an altruistic sort of person, and I view myself in that light. I guess that is why I feel like it's wrong of me to feel sad or angry for myself, and I actually feel guilty doing so!
Why should I feel bad for myself when my husband came home? At this point there are 4,099 that haven't from this war alone. That figure that is so much more than a number lends to countless family members whose lives will never be the same...
And haven't you seen those commercials? People are sick, starving and homeless all over the world... and with only five-cents per day I could help.
So now, at one of the hardest times of my life, I find myself looking upon the hardship that others have endured to remind myself that things could really be much worse. But simultaneously, I am a human, and damn it, I deserve to feel crappy sometimes! Avoiding negative emotions, talking myself out of being sad/angry, is actually something that I've been doing for a long time now...way before DH was diagnosed with PTSD. So, in effort to stop the madness of not letting myself be mad, I am going to start doing five-cent confessions on my blog. I am going to give myself the five-cents for once.... five-cents worth of talking about something that makes me feel angry, sad, betrayed... whatever negative emotion you can think of. Basically, it's going to be a bitch session. Feel free to join if you like!
(Ughh...I re-read this and I am already feeling selfish! Darn it! I guess that allowing myself to feel sucky is going to be a struggle in itself...)
Why should I feel bad for myself when my husband came home? At this point there are 4,099 that haven't from this war alone. That figure that is so much more than a number lends to countless family members whose lives will never be the same...
And haven't you seen those commercials? People are sick, starving and homeless all over the world... and with only five-cents per day I could help.
So now, at one of the hardest times of my life, I find myself looking upon the hardship that others have endured to remind myself that things could really be much worse. But simultaneously, I am a human, and damn it, I deserve to feel crappy sometimes! Avoiding negative emotions, talking myself out of being sad/angry, is actually something that I've been doing for a long time now...way before DH was diagnosed with PTSD. So, in effort to stop the madness of not letting myself be mad, I am going to start doing five-cent confessions on my blog. I am going to give myself the five-cents for once.... five-cents worth of talking about something that makes me feel angry, sad, betrayed... whatever negative emotion you can think of. Basically, it's going to be a bitch session. Feel free to join if you like!
(Ughh...I re-read this and I am already feeling selfish! Darn it! I guess that allowing myself to feel sucky is going to be a struggle in itself...)
Homeostasis
Psychology-heads claim that families continuously strive for homeostasis, or a balance, that works for their individual family. This balance I speak of pertains to all aspects of life, from who the family spends time with to what they do with their time. Over the past few weeks, or couple of months actually, DH and I have been struggling to maintain this balance... And as awkward and weird as things are with DH living at his mom's home, we have somehow developed a way to live like this... a way to live where I can actually function day to day without being holed up crying about the whole thing in my bedroom all day.
DH comes over from time to time, I go over to his mom's once in a while, and we go places sometimes... out to dinner...etc. And although this is not the lifestyle of choice, it seems to be working pretty well for now : )
DH comes over from time to time, I go over to his mom's once in a while, and we go places sometimes... out to dinner...etc. And although this is not the lifestyle of choice, it seems to be working pretty well for now : )
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Good Day
Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. I spent some time with my dad this morning, and then went to visit DH and his parents in the early afternoon. After spending a while there, I met my parents to go kayaking.
The last time I went kayaking it was quite an adventure. I flipped multiple times and even got caught holding onto a fallen log in the middle of a strong current! I felt like Lassie barking for help as I helplessly floated down a river on a piece of plywood.... (I don't know that this actually happened to Lassie, but it's easy to envision). This time... SUCCESS!! No flips, and it was just as fun. Plus, kayaking really gives your arms a good work out, which is just what I need!
To top things off, DH came over to my house for the first time since he left a couple of weeks ago. It was nice to have him at home again...even though I knew he would be leaving again at the end of the night to go back to his parents' home. He is also coming by again tomorrow for my youngest brother's birthday party. And, he hugged me again before I left (earlier and tonight). Two hugs in one day?! I am starting to get SPOILED! ... (sarcastic)
I would have never pictured my life to be this way... the littlest things bringing so much hope...
The last time I went kayaking it was quite an adventure. I flipped multiple times and even got caught holding onto a fallen log in the middle of a strong current! I felt like Lassie barking for help as I helplessly floated down a river on a piece of plywood.... (I don't know that this actually happened to Lassie, but it's easy to envision). This time... SUCCESS!! No flips, and it was just as fun. Plus, kayaking really gives your arms a good work out, which is just what I need!
To top things off, DH came over to my house for the first time since he left a couple of weeks ago. It was nice to have him at home again...even though I knew he would be leaving again at the end of the night to go back to his parents' home. He is also coming by again tomorrow for my youngest brother's birthday party. And, he hugged me again before I left (earlier and tonight). Two hugs in one day?! I am starting to get SPOILED! ... (sarcastic)
I would have never pictured my life to be this way... the littlest things bringing so much hope...
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Nutshell
I had originally started this blog about three weeks ago to cope with my husband's diagnosis with PTSD. Although I don't want to make things redundant for those who may have read previously, I thought it appropriate to give a recap of how I got to this place anyway.
About two and a half months ago, DH was due to return from a three-month training. I hadn't seen him throughout his training, and I was very excited doing the usual homecoming preparations... cleaning, stocking the fridge with favorite items...etc. These preparations were then abruptly halted by a shocking phone call from DH. He, in many more words, told me that he did not love me, nor his family, anymore and that he thought that he may be experiencing symptoms of PTSD. He also did not want to return home to me. He preferred to go stay with his parents. But, with some coaxing, I was able to get him to agree to return home and get help before making such a rash decision.
DH did come home, and immediately sought out help at the VA. Unfortunately, getting appointments ...etc. can be a very timely process. In the meantime, DH loved no one, showed no affection, had insomnia, and was irritable and on guard. I tried to be supportive, but also struggled to cope with the (hopefully temporary) loss of my husband as my best friend, lover, and life partner. DH was present, but not really.
Two months and a PTSD diagnosis later, DH felt as if he could no longer live in the house with me. He claimed that it wasn't anything that I was or wasn't doing, it was just that he was experiencing a great deal of anxiety being with me. He moved in to his parents home about two and a half weeks ago.
This was totally DEVASTATING. I thought that it meant the end of our marriage... and I must say, DH and I have been together 10yrs/married 5 yrs, and we really do have and amazing love and terrific relationship. Perhaps this is why I took it so hard. But, since that time, things have actually gotten a little better. DH and I have agreed to work toward the common goal of a healthy marriage. We have been seeing each other pretty regularly, and DH actually initiated a hug before I left the last three times I have visited. (This was a BIG deal since he hadn't hugged me since before he went away to training) His mother actually got a new kitten, which has been pretty helpful for him (I read that pets are great for people with a PTSD diagnosis). He also started seeing another counselor in addition to the one he rarely sees at the VA. This counseling was set up through The Vet Center, and it has been great. Things were set up in a matter of days. I highly recommend them if you need help fast.
Those who had read the original blog know that there were lots of ups and downs between all of this... and I really couldn't go back and write those same posts with the same feelings as I felt on those days... but, I hope that this will serve as some background info so one might know what the heck I'm talking about from here on out! : )
About two and a half months ago, DH was due to return from a three-month training. I hadn't seen him throughout his training, and I was very excited doing the usual homecoming preparations... cleaning, stocking the fridge with favorite items...etc. These preparations were then abruptly halted by a shocking phone call from DH. He, in many more words, told me that he did not love me, nor his family, anymore and that he thought that he may be experiencing symptoms of PTSD. He also did not want to return home to me. He preferred to go stay with his parents. But, with some coaxing, I was able to get him to agree to return home and get help before making such a rash decision.
DH did come home, and immediately sought out help at the VA. Unfortunately, getting appointments ...etc. can be a very timely process. In the meantime, DH loved no one, showed no affection, had insomnia, and was irritable and on guard. I tried to be supportive, but also struggled to cope with the (hopefully temporary) loss of my husband as my best friend, lover, and life partner. DH was present, but not really.
Two months and a PTSD diagnosis later, DH felt as if he could no longer live in the house with me. He claimed that it wasn't anything that I was or wasn't doing, it was just that he was experiencing a great deal of anxiety being with me. He moved in to his parents home about two and a half weeks ago.
This was totally DEVASTATING. I thought that it meant the end of our marriage... and I must say, DH and I have been together 10yrs/married 5 yrs, and we really do have and amazing love and terrific relationship. Perhaps this is why I took it so hard. But, since that time, things have actually gotten a little better. DH and I have agreed to work toward the common goal of a healthy marriage. We have been seeing each other pretty regularly, and DH actually initiated a hug before I left the last three times I have visited. (This was a BIG deal since he hadn't hugged me since before he went away to training) His mother actually got a new kitten, which has been pretty helpful for him (I read that pets are great for people with a PTSD diagnosis). He also started seeing another counselor in addition to the one he rarely sees at the VA. This counseling was set up through The Vet Center, and it has been great. Things were set up in a matter of days. I highly recommend them if you need help fast.
Those who had read the original blog know that there were lots of ups and downs between all of this... and I really couldn't go back and write those same posts with the same feelings as I felt on those days... but, I hope that this will serve as some background info so one might know what the heck I'm talking about from here on out! : )
Friday, June 13, 2008
(Insert profanities here)
Hey everyone! As you may or may not have noticed, my original blog was recently deleted. One may question how this happens, and all I have to say is that it is a long LONG story involving a 6 year old child and my own stupidity. So, with that said, I will never leave my blog up on the computer ever again!
I put lots of effort into the original blog, so I was kind of sickened that it had disappeared. It took me a few days before I could create it once again. And, unfortunately, none of my previous posts are archived to my computer, so I will have to start fresh... I certainly learned my lesson on this one!
I put lots of effort into the original blog, so I was kind of sickened that it had disappeared. It took me a few days before I could create it once again. And, unfortunately, none of my previous posts are archived to my computer, so I will have to start fresh... I certainly learned my lesson on this one!
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