Although the incident described in Busted was very stressful and anxiety-provoking... there were some very positive things that came out of that circus of an evening.
When I talked to Dh about my "find," he denied that they were his... and he was telling the truth. He also made such caring statements as, "I'm actually kind of angry about this... I feel bad that you even had to go through that ... thinking they were mine." He also said that had he found something like that in my car that he would have been so upset that he wouldn't be able to speak! At the beginning of all this when he wanted a divorce right away, he had indicated that the thought of me having a relationship with someone else did not bother him. And the best of all, I told him that I loved him and he said, "I love you too." AWESOME! I can't get too excited because he didn't say it back again when I talked to him today... but I think we are making progress and I am excited about that!
This is hard for me to admit... but... perhaps the vacation has been good for him?
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Nervous Excitement
I am all nerves today because I have a job interview tomorrow. It is a dream of a position for me... I try to remind myself that all I can do is my best, and even if I don't get it, I will still have those things that are most important to me in this world. I hate waiting for things that I have anxiety about...
Saturday, July 5, 2008
The Opposite of Perfume
Weather-wise... it's a beautiful night. Starry sky, not to hot... not to cold... I decided that I deserved a glass of wine due to the antics I endured earlier this evening. So, I sat outside next to the firepit under the stars... and just relaxed. It felt soooo good to be alone and lost in thought as I looked up at the stars.
But... I was not alone for long! I spotted a skunk.... right next to me! He was walking around me as if he was my dog or something... and I didn't even hear him! Perhaps he didn't see me either? I jumped up and walked to the side, and he walked in the opposite direction... no spraying... it was a peaceful parting... Thank God! Did I mention that I have a job interview on Monday? That would have made quite the first impression!
But... I was not alone for long! I spotted a skunk.... right next to me! He was walking around me as if he was my dog or something... and I didn't even hear him! Perhaps he didn't see me either? I jumped up and walked to the side, and he walked in the opposite direction... no spraying... it was a peaceful parting... Thank God! Did I mention that I have a job interview on Monday? That would have made quite the first impression!
Busted!
WOW! It's been one hell of a night! And it started like this...
Despite the fact that Dh is staying at his mom's right now... I have his vehicle at my house while he is away on his trip. Our new insurance cards came in... so I thought that I would put them in each of the cars. When I opened Dh's glove compartment... a CVS bag fell on my hand. I looked inside... and it was as if I had stared into the face of the devil himself...it was a wife's worst nightmare... CONDOMS! Now... I lost it, really.. I completely lost my shit. We don't even use those because we really have no need...we are in a monogamous relationship and are both healthy people. Plus... PTSD, no affection right now... hence...no sex in the champagne room...or in any other room for that matter.
I hashed it out with my sister, and determined that I had to call Dh about it... NOW. So, I called... and Dh was shocked! He completely denied up and down that they were his. I know that you will all roll your eyes when you read the following statement... but I am really good at knowing when people are lying to me... especially Dh. After listening to him... I thought that he was telling the truth. But how would those get there? Who did they belong to? If Dh was planning on using those, wouldn't he have brought them on his trip? Even though it didn't seem as if he was lying, I couldn't help but have doubts, given the situation in it's entirety. And let me tell you, I will be there for my husband through anything... but not an affair.
At this point, I called my best friend. And I have to say, she was really there for me tonight. She was very supportive... discussing the facts with me in a caring way. We sat in a restaurant for about four hours going over every single possibility...
As we were getting ready to leave, I received a phone call from Dh. After some investigating on his end, it turns out that they belonged to my 17 year old brother! He had hidden them there since Dh's car has been at the house (we stay with my family). Talk about a sigh of relief! I mean, although I am not thrilled about my brother's "activity," I am glad that he is being safe... AND that they do not belong to my husband in any way!
And how could my little brother be stupid enough to put those in my husband's car, aren't Trojans supposed to make one "evolve?" :) I definitely need a glass of wine tonight...
Despite the fact that Dh is staying at his mom's right now... I have his vehicle at my house while he is away on his trip. Our new insurance cards came in... so I thought that I would put them in each of the cars. When I opened Dh's glove compartment... a CVS bag fell on my hand. I looked inside... and it was as if I had stared into the face of the devil himself...it was a wife's worst nightmare... CONDOMS! Now... I lost it, really.. I completely lost my shit. We don't even use those because we really have no need...we are in a monogamous relationship and are both healthy people. Plus... PTSD, no affection right now... hence...no sex in the champagne room...or in any other room for that matter.
I hashed it out with my sister, and determined that I had to call Dh about it... NOW. So, I called... and Dh was shocked! He completely denied up and down that they were his. I know that you will all roll your eyes when you read the following statement... but I am really good at knowing when people are lying to me... especially Dh. After listening to him... I thought that he was telling the truth. But how would those get there? Who did they belong to? If Dh was planning on using those, wouldn't he have brought them on his trip? Even though it didn't seem as if he was lying, I couldn't help but have doubts, given the situation in it's entirety. And let me tell you, I will be there for my husband through anything... but not an affair.
At this point, I called my best friend. And I have to say, she was really there for me tonight. She was very supportive... discussing the facts with me in a caring way. We sat in a restaurant for about four hours going over every single possibility...
As we were getting ready to leave, I received a phone call from Dh. After some investigating on his end, it turns out that they belonged to my 17 year old brother! He had hidden them there since Dh's car has been at the house (we stay with my family). Talk about a sigh of relief! I mean, although I am not thrilled about my brother's "activity," I am glad that he is being safe... AND that they do not belong to my husband in any way!
And how could my little brother be stupid enough to put those in my husband's car, aren't Trojans supposed to make one "evolve?" :) I definitely need a glass of wine tonight...
Friday, July 4, 2008
Independence Day
Ahhh... the birth of our amazing country. Growing up, I always loved the Fourth because it meant picnics, s'mores and fireworks. Of course, I still love these things, but I have developed a whole new set of reasons for loving the Fourth since becoming an adult... and especially since becoming a military spouse.
Military folks tend to be especially patriotic... and for obvious reasons. I think that it's because we don't just know what it took to gain independence... we feel what it took. I get choked up every time I hear the Star-Spangled Banner. I am the only adult in the school who will rise for the Pledge of Allegiance each morning, even if I'm the only one in my office. I enjoy this time of year because I feel like I am joined by the rest of the country in my patriotism... I truly wish that I would see flags flying and people celebrating our country all year round.
I even get emotional as I watch the fireworks on the Fourth. I hear loud booms followed by a spray of lovely colors in the night sky... and then I think about our military overseas... who may hear similar booms that provoke entirely different emotions. There are so many service members that would love to be home celebrating with their own families... but instead, they fight for families in another land... so that they too may celebrate their own independence.
Thank God for them... and Happy Birthday America!
Military folks tend to be especially patriotic... and for obvious reasons. I think that it's because we don't just know what it took to gain independence... we feel what it took. I get choked up every time I hear the Star-Spangled Banner. I am the only adult in the school who will rise for the Pledge of Allegiance each morning, even if I'm the only one in my office. I enjoy this time of year because I feel like I am joined by the rest of the country in my patriotism... I truly wish that I would see flags flying and people celebrating our country all year round.
I even get emotional as I watch the fireworks on the Fourth. I hear loud booms followed by a spray of lovely colors in the night sky... and then I think about our military overseas... who may hear similar booms that provoke entirely different emotions. There are so many service members that would love to be home celebrating with their own families... but instead, they fight for families in another land... so that they too may celebrate their own independence.
Thank God for them... and Happy Birthday America!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Current Events
Dh is currently on his trip to Florida with his friend A-holio. That's not his birth name, but it's the name I've given him... suits him well, I think, ha. Anyway, I've talked with Dh a couple of times... the communication is flowing pretty well. I just hope that we can keep it going for the next week and a half.
In other news, CNN's most popular story this hour was "TMZ allowed to repost 'Mini-Me' sex tape." The most popular story right now... WTF?! Don't people follow anything important?!
In other news, CNN's most popular story this hour was "TMZ allowed to repost 'Mini-Me' sex tape." The most popular story right now... WTF?! Don't people follow anything important?!
The North Pole.... Errr, I mean the counselor's office
I like warm people. People who are friendly and can make a person feel comfortable.... My kind of crowd... : )
I made my second visit to the counselor today... and I have to say, she's an iceberg! OK, maybe that's exaggerating, but definitely an icicle! She is just not outwardly friendly, at all! Last time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt... I thought, perhaps she is just having a bad day... But, I show up today, and again, a polar bear. There was really no effort made to get to know me, and she just dove right into things. Of course, I was there to talk about my situation, but I could have used a little superficial B.S. talk for a couple of minutes at least... how's the weather?... maybe a smile... or God forbid, a laugh? I was nervous! And she wasn't helping!
Also, from what I gather, it does not seem that my civilian counselor has much experience with the military, deployments, or combat-related PTSD... Some of the things that have come out of her mouth just blow my mind... and then I become more frustrated than anything!
For example:
The counselor gave me this whole scenario surrounding a husband getting cancer. She said that in this case, the wife might take on extra duties, pick up slack in the marriage, and provide lots of support to the husband in his time of need. In return, the husband will love his wife more and be grateful for what she's done for him. I was sure she was using this as a stepping stone to then say how the nature of PTSD makes the latter dynamic different... but she didn't! She was trying to show similarity in the two situations! She said that Dh should be loving me more now after all that I've done for him! Maybe in a PTSD fairy tale! Anyone who has even done a google search of PTSD can see that a major symptom is emotional numbing. Of course Dh isn't going to show me more love and be grateful to me at this point! Down the road, when he reflects back on it all, that could be a possibility... but not now! When I mention that the very nature of PTSD is different from cancer in that it affects emotions and relationships differently... the counselor provides some roundabout explanation to direct things in a route that suggests that yes, in fact, she is right.
Also, the counselor went on to make a generalization about military folk, saying that most guys come back and are just so happy to love and spend time with their families that it surpasses the effects of the war. And yes... this is true, for some... But not for all! I mean,.. HELLO, reintegration issues!
All together, the counselor just seemed to emphasize in a cordial way that Dh is a wierdo for not returning from war being loving and grateful for his wife. And, that he is even more of a weirdo because he won't love me extra and be more grateful for me now that I have supported him through his weirdness.
Acckkkk. I know beggars can't be choosers when it comes to free counseling (thanks to Military One Source, and it's not their fault- this counselor is the sole provider in my area), so I'll shut up now. Maybe a portable heater would do the trick? Or perhaps maybe one of those big shiny solar panels? Or, maybe I will just put her in a snowsuit : ) Sarah from Trying to Grok could knit her a hat and mittens! ha, the thought makes me laugh!
I made my second visit to the counselor today... and I have to say, she's an iceberg! OK, maybe that's exaggerating, but definitely an icicle! She is just not outwardly friendly, at all! Last time, I gave her the benefit of the doubt... I thought, perhaps she is just having a bad day... But, I show up today, and again, a polar bear. There was really no effort made to get to know me, and she just dove right into things. Of course, I was there to talk about my situation, but I could have used a little superficial B.S. talk for a couple of minutes at least... how's the weather?... maybe a smile... or God forbid, a laugh? I was nervous! And she wasn't helping!
Also, from what I gather, it does not seem that my civilian counselor has much experience with the military, deployments, or combat-related PTSD... Some of the things that have come out of her mouth just blow my mind... and then I become more frustrated than anything!
For example:
The counselor gave me this whole scenario surrounding a husband getting cancer. She said that in this case, the wife might take on extra duties, pick up slack in the marriage, and provide lots of support to the husband in his time of need. In return, the husband will love his wife more and be grateful for what she's done for him. I was sure she was using this as a stepping stone to then say how the nature of PTSD makes the latter dynamic different... but she didn't! She was trying to show similarity in the two situations! She said that Dh should be loving me more now after all that I've done for him! Maybe in a PTSD fairy tale! Anyone who has even done a google search of PTSD can see that a major symptom is emotional numbing. Of course Dh isn't going to show me more love and be grateful to me at this point! Down the road, when he reflects back on it all, that could be a possibility... but not now! When I mention that the very nature of PTSD is different from cancer in that it affects emotions and relationships differently... the counselor provides some roundabout explanation to direct things in a route that suggests that yes, in fact, she is right.
Also, the counselor went on to make a generalization about military folk, saying that most guys come back and are just so happy to love and spend time with their families that it surpasses the effects of the war. And yes... this is true, for some... But not for all! I mean,.. HELLO, reintegration issues!
All together, the counselor just seemed to emphasize in a cordial way that Dh is a wierdo for not returning from war being loving and grateful for his wife. And, that he is even more of a weirdo because he won't love me extra and be more grateful for me now that I have supported him through his weirdness.
Acckkkk. I know beggars can't be choosers when it comes to free counseling (thanks to Military One Source, and it's not their fault- this counselor is the sole provider in my area), so I'll shut up now. Maybe a portable heater would do the trick? Or perhaps maybe one of those big shiny solar panels? Or, maybe I will just put her in a snowsuit : ) Sarah from Trying to Grok could knit her a hat and mittens! ha, the thought makes me laugh!
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