Phantom

I am sad to say that Dh and I have decided to get a divorce. I am not quite sure that I am completely comprehending it all just yet... but I have accepted what I do understand.

Dh no longer loves me. This is something that I thought that I would just never "get"... but somehow, someway, it clicked for me. I had always attributed his lack of love to the PTSD, however, I'm not sure that this was the case now.

I thought that no matter what I would keep loving Dh, and I do love him, but somewhere along this crooked line the romantic love stopped and a more platonic love began. I went through the stages of grief and loss... denial, sadness, anger, frustration...etc. and came to a place of acceptance. I can accept that Dh no longer loves me, and I can accept that I am no longer romantically in love with Dh. However, what is more difficult to accept is the loss of a very good marriage. When I married Dh, I never EVER thought that we would end up divorced. Our rock solid marriage stood the test of numerous trainings, deployments, and separations. But then something happened. I know that in many ways it was the PTSD, but there was something more... which I feel is the very worst part of it all. I honestly don't even know what it was that destroyed our wonderful marriage. It was as if some unknown silent attacker...a phantom... swooped in, did massive damage, and took off... without even being noticed. This could be where the true challenge lies in my future.

I know that many of you might be going through situations where your partner has been diagnosed with PTSD. Please do not let this result discourage you. I started this blog partly to help support those going through similar situations. However, as I mentioned above... the ultimate demise of my marriage was something more, something I'm not yet sure of, but something more none the less.

I have lots of stuff going on right now... I'm starting a new (but temporary) position which I'm very excited about... and of course all of the paperwork and such that comes along with a divorce...etc. But, I plan to keep my blog running, even if there is a change of subject matter!

You will all be in my thoughts and prayers : )

What's up?!

I haven't been posting as much as usual... and I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps it's because my days have been quite boring lately, and therefore, I lack inspiration... but I think that it actually has more to do with my recent disconnect with Dh. It has often been my strong feelings surrounding this situation that have inspired many of my posts, and now that I am without them, I am feeling at a loss of words.

In the research I've done concerning PTSD, many articles stated that the spouse of the person suffering from PTSD will sometimes take on some of the symptoms her/himself. Although I am completely hypothesizing, or possibly even "psychologizing" myself, I wonder if I am starting to have the same "emotional numbness" symptoms that he is having? Or maybe I am just in a new stage of grieving the potential loss of my marriage?

Either way, I wonder, what the heck is up with me?!

Mad Max

Despite all of my angry/frustrated/hopeless posts I've been up to recently, I actually have a pretty funny story to share... a little scary, but funny just the same : )

I have mentioned before that I live with my family. I am the oldest of four siblings... and all of us our in our twenties besides the youngest... and we also all still live at home with our parents... (I actually returned home during Dh's deployment, and then stayed through grad school... just had to add that for my own dignity!) Anyway... with all of the young people around, I often feel as if I am living in some sort of strange frat house! So, what happened this past weekend was not a total surprise...

I spent this past Saturday evening at home. As my brother got ready to go out with his girlfriend... I could tell that he was feeling bad for me. I can always tell when he invites me to come out with them! But, in all actuality, I spend many nights in and it's really not a big deal. I'm a little older than he is, and it's fine for me, but I guess he must see it as depressing...

So, I go on to spend the evening watching a funny movie with my youngest brother and his friend... I was perfectly content. Mid-movie, I get a phone call from my other brother's friend, whom I will call "Max." Now, I haven't talked to Max in years. He is one of those people that you know your whole life but never get to know very well. But, none the less, Max has had one too many beers and is insisting that I come to the bar for a drink with he and my brother. I tell him no, that's ok, I am watching a movie at home...etc. I hang up, and again, Max calls... but this time, I don't answer the phone. I don't even know how he got my number?! The movie ends, and I go to sleep.

ZZZzzzzzZZZzzzzzz

"BOOOOOOMMMMM" "Heyyyyy! What's up!!!!"

I awake from a solid sleep to the sound of my locked door being busted in! I am quickly grabbing for the Ka-Bar I keep under my bed while I simultaneously try to take it all in... This person is waving a cell phone in my face as a light and talking to me... this isn't a stranger or someone trying to rob me... it's Max! Before I know it, Max is trying to get in the bed with me! Of course I told him hell no, and that he needed to go sleep in my brother's room... but he just wasn't listening! Although he wasn't trying to touch me in any way, I still didn't want him in my bed! And to make matters worse, I was not fully clothed, as I was in my room sleeping in my bed behind my locked door! So, here I am, abruptly awakened by Max, whom I really don't know that well... trying to keep myself covered up with the blanket as I am pushing him out of my bed! And to top it off, Max says, "I can't believe you're doing this to me!" WHAT?! He can't believe what I'M doing to HIM! I still can't believe what his ass had the nerve to do to ME! He tells me that he is leaving for my brother's room, and says, "I'll be up there if you want to come up!" HA! That would be the day!

I awake the next morning wondering if that all really happened, because who would be crazy enough to do that?! The incident was then substantiated when I found a text message saying, "What are you doing?" from Max at 3:30am! What did he think I was doing?! Fixing my door and installing deadbolts of course!

PS.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, I found out that my brother had stayed at a friend's house that evening... so Max just showed up at our home randomly. AWESOME.

Copy Cat

Things have really come to a stalemate between Dh and I. As I posted about not too long ago, he really doesn't seem to know what he wants... and the longer things go on, I find myself feeling the same way.

As a matter of fact... I find that Dh and I are starting to have a lot in common in this circus of a life. He seems to be emotionally detached from the situation, and as of lately, so am I. Perhaps things just became too painful to bear, but one day recently, I just stopped being sad.

He is avoiding me because it's easier than acknowledging that I'm here. I've started to do the same with him... it's easier not to see him, as then I am not reminded of what our relationship has become.

I'm not saying that these newly developed behaviors are healthy... I know that they aren't... I actually wish that I was not "copying" him when it comes to these feelings, or the lack there of... I also want to be clear that none of this is out of spite. It just seems that stages of grief are catching up with me...

Shit... I had tried sooooo hard for that not to happen.

The Tides are Changing

I've been wanting to write this post for about a week... but each time I bring myself to do it, I just can't. When I have those kinds of feelings... I know that it's time to turn to myself to see what the heck is going on with me.

So here's what's going on. I've been feeling really weird lately... almost detached from this whole situation with Dh. When I think of the situation... I find that my feelings have changed. I am no longer devastated and sad... these feelings have been replaced by frustration and anger. I don't wait around all day for him to call, and then cry if he doesn't do so. Actually, I haven't even had a strong desire to see Dh. It is easier for me not to see him because when I do, it's a constant reminder that he has rejected me.

I can feel my attitude about this whole thing changing... and it's scary. I am feeling guilty for not being sad anymore. I also feel guilty for even slightly recognizing that I could be OK if our marriage ends up in divorce.

I was afraid to write this post because I didn't want anyone to judge me, or think that I was giving up. But, perhaps writing this was a concrete acknowledgment to myself that I have started to give up in some ways. I don't want to, but I just can't live this way forever.

"I don't know"

"I don't know... I don't know... I don't know," said Dh.

The man just doesn't know.

These words make me want to roar as if I am some mythical creature! I am getting soooo frustrated!

Dh came over on Tuesday, and we hung out for a while watching TV. I also attempted "the talk." ... however, I know from past experience that Dh isn't much of a talker when it comes to this subject. In light of this, I decided to write my thoughts into a letter. Upon giving Dh the letter, all he could say was, "I don't know." To be honest... I'm not quite sure what I wanted him to say... but I know that it wasn't those three words.

I guess I wrote this letter just to be acknowledged by him... but I wasn't.Up until this point, I have accommodated all of his needs... even the difficult ones.. like moving out. However, my needs continue to go unrecognized. I have recently come to a point where I realize that I can support him, but at the same time, I must take care of myself as well. There is no reason that he can't be at least respectful of me and my needs. For example, there is no reason that he can't say, "I know this is tough for you right now, but just hold on a little longer with me..." Instead of making such a statement... or respecting my needs, he just ignores that I have any. Hence, my frustration. I do think that he was a little taken back that I was up front about what I needed for once...

So, after reading the letter and saying those "magic" words... Dh left to go home. He told me he would talk to me about things the next day... however, he didn't call. Yesterday came, and he called. We decided to talk again... and we are now at a point where he is somewhat agreeable to couples counseling.

Ughh... this is a long and hard road... I must offically be a Rough Rider by now. If only I had a bike!

In the Name of Love

I received a very nice email from a reader recently. She gave me a nice compliment on my blog, and also called me a "brave and special" person. While I most certainly appreciated her thoughts, I included in my email back to her that "almost anyone would do the same for love."

Although I am new to blogging and I don't have thousands of readers... I know that many of the readers that I do have are going through a similar situation as I am... and it is likely that many of you read my blog because it helps you to feel like your not alone in the roller coaster of emotions that PTSD provokes in families.

I have said repeatedly that I would never wish this on anyone, but when I hear your stories, it does help to know that I am in good company. And when I say good company... I mean the best company. You are all so brave and special... and you exhibit these valiant characteristics in the name of love.

Thank you for being there : )